Clarity

Today was a fun day. I had a photographer come all the way from Texas to take engagement pictures of James and I at the park, barn, and coffee shop. I was wondering how this was going to go...my fiance and I don't really "love" on each other in public or take things "seriously". Needless to say...I think we did OK...or at least I hope so. We had little Luna in the pictures too since she's part of our family. She basically passed out the second half of the session so we were able to do pictures at the coffee shop without having to worry about her.

I was debating on taking off my implant for the pictures. It's huge and I'm not used to having it. I don't exactly like to show that I'm deaf but sometimes I can't get away from it. My photographer really touched me today when she said she was inspired and that I should just show it off. Sometimes that's all I need to make things ok.

As far as my implant goes...I just had a mapping done on Tuesday. Fun stuff. I had to go and do a mini hearing exam to let the audiologist know what needed to be adjusted. Apparently I was hearing way too much in the low frequency range, but hardly anything in the high frequency range so it was almost like wearing a hearing aid. The audiologist decided to shift the mapping so I can hear more in the high frequency range and less in the low frequency. I'm amazed how much better it sounds. My voice sounds back to normal and it even gives me the ability to focus on my speech some more. I'm starting to pick up more sounds again but I'm far from where I want to be. The audiologist explained to me that my twitching was coming from the high frequency area where I may not have developed nerves or that those specific nerves were damaged from the kind of progressive hearing loss that I have. He was able to cut out a couple of electrodes so now I'm not dealing with the twitching as much anymore.

This year has been full of ups and downs. I feel like no matter what path I could go down as a deaf person, things never become easy. I think my parents chose the right path for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just hard because now that I've relied on an interpreter the whole year, I realized how much my whole world has changed. I've missed out on all the little details in life, such as the little things people say to each other or the outburst of laughter in the classroom from some random remark. I've spent 25 years only getting bits and pieces of conversation and it's so hard to explain to someone who can hear what that's like to miss out on so much. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to scream to relieve the frustration.

Part of all that makes my personality the way it is. I sometimes think I'm the most uninteresting person on the planet because I didn't grow up listening to conversations or have the ability to learn about what's going on in everyone else's lives. I come across shy for that reason since I spend so much of my day trying to piece together sentences. I know I'm not shy on the inside...I know that I could talk for hours because I have so much to say and yet I can't get it out. I only have a  few people that I am able to do that with.  I wish that there were more people who felt comfortable talking to a deaf person. I need patience to be able to develop a friendship instead of simply being that person everyone says Hi or Bye to in order to acknowledge I'm there. I want others to get to know the real me and see that I'm honestly no different on the inside. Whenever I start a new program, join a team, etc... I always tell myself that things will change. I try hard to fit in and talk with others, but it gets to a point where it's too hard to keep up with everyone else and then they all establish their own group of friends. I don't know what goes on in their lives anymore and then I'm back to square one. I hate small talk and I never seem to get away from it.

I guess I've been feeling kind of lonely especially since I'm not around other people like myself. It's sad that everyday I look forward to having an interpreter around because someone becomes my ears and all the sounds, laughter, and annoyances come back to me. I feel like I exist when everything is tied together and yet when my interpreter leaves, it all falls apart only until next time. My fiance is very easy for me to understand and have conversations with. It's part of why he is my fiance. I feel like myself when I'm with him and he has the patience to understand me as a person. Ever since the first day I met him, we have never had a dull moment. However he can't always interpret everything for  me either. If I had an interpreter glued to me, that would be a miracle. So I have to accept the things I can't change, which is hard to do. I want a positive life so I need to enjoy what I can and not dwell on the things I can't. I just wish that I didn't know the difference.

Alright enough of the emotional stuff....Time to finish my wine and study.... and yes in that order.

It's Fall....with a pinch of crazy.

 I can't believe it's already October! I'm halfway done with my Med/Surg clinical rotation. Only 11 more weeks of school (shocking!) The last few weeks I've been dealing with pneumonia and trying to get everything ready for Luna's arrival so I apologize for the late blog.

Luna has certainly grown before our eyes. Picking her up at the airport was fun. However, she came to us in a crate and she welcomed us smelling of poop. I had to take her out and drag her to the bathroom to wash her off before I could put  her down to play. She immediately took to me and for the first two days and refused to leave my side. By the 3rd day she seemed to open up to my fiance and everyone else around her. She certainly is a sweet dog and calm for the most part. We've worked on 5 tricks with her and she's picking it up pretty quickly but house training is going to take awhile. The weather is dropping quickly and she's learning she'd rather go inside the house than to deal with the cold
                                                               weather outside.

 I think she's the right pinch of crazy I needed in my life right now even though it's a change to have a puppy in the house. I love having a dog to take care of and watch all the crazy things they do. It just generates more laughter in the house.












Luna met  her best friend who lives down the street. He's a puppy too and they love fighting over toys and playing hide and seek. I look forward to watching them grow together :)

I have new implant updates, which I'll blog about on Friday so keep on the lookout :)

Waiting on the World to Change

It's been a little while since I've written.... 3rd semester of nursing school has been a bit rough. Sleep is the number one thing I'm lacking and my immune system is not exactly in tune.

My brand new implant stopped working after 4 days of being turned on....Ridiculous..... it's the kind of thing that would only happen to a Murphy.  I waited another 4 days to get a loan implant processor while my doctor works on programming the extra one that I have. It's been a set back for me. I feel like the new programs that I've been given are not the best as far as sound quality compared to how it sounded a week before.Everything sounds like it's from a distance, underwater, a broken record, and more computerized.....that is what I was originally expecting. I want my old programs back...twitchy and all.

I feel like I've been a little more down lately now that I'm able to hear again. It's not that I don't want to hear, but I'm reminded of how much I'm missing. I'm back to being stuck being two worlds and sometimes I just want to be out of it, even just for an hour.  I think maybe I was expecting a whole new world with this implant.... maybe I'd have the chance to start new and talk with people again in a new way. Be able to communicate with people the way I've always wished that I could. The things I've struggled with my whole life... I don't think will ever change and that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting to see what this implant will make easier for me in my life. I'm waiting for my world to change. Right now, I think I'm still benefiting from my implant as much from it as I did with my hearing aid right before surgery. I still can't understand the noise I'm hearing, still can't talk on the phone, still can't drive through a drive thru (which has never been deaf friendly in the first place). I know it will take time to really get things settled and learn the things I'm hearing all the time. It's hard because it's distracting and annoying to listen to when I have no clue what it is. I tend to  make up what I think I'm hearing so I can move on with my day.

I had a conversation with someone I admire today and now I'm inspired to write a book. I've been wanting to write a book for as long as I can remember but my grammar isn't exactly great so I never found the will to  follow through with it.  I started one a few years ago and lost all my work when my computer crashed. It wasn't long, but I didn't have much to say at that point so I decided to wait till I had more to share. Maybe after nursing school when my life is more "normal" I will find the time to write. I've already generated an idea to base it off of but it's a matter of putting pen to paper.....or more like fingers to a keyboard......Technology this days..... don't get me started.

Till next time....

Adjusting

Last weekend I went out and bought Luna a bed and a few toys. I can't wait for her arrival...it feels like forever away, but it's not. 3 weeks....3 long weeks.

This week has been interesting trying to adjust to the cochlear implant. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin half the time people talk to me. It's so loud and I hear everything, even if I'm not sure what it is. I've noticed that my implant doesn't like to give me the "I" sounds...instead it sounds like "E's"...for example...

Principle sounds like Preenseeble.
Sterile sounds like Steeeerile
Remember sounds like Wee-member
Pillow sounds like Peeelow
Christina sounds like Creestina

Right now those kinds of words are annoying for me to listen to but I'm hoping that if I listen to it more and more it'll eventually sounds like it should. I've considered myself lucky to understand this much already and surprisingly I had my first phone call a few days ago. I still need a lot of work but it was nice to be able to speak for myself. 

After I turned my implant on I realized that I hate listening to myself talk. It's sounds so different still and I don't even comprehend that it's me speaking half the time. However, what's really weird is that I don't mind hearing myself sing. Maybe blending tones is easier on my ears than having to take electrical impulses for every word I hear. I still experience twitching on a daily basis, but I'm learning that the lower I have the volume, the less I twitch.

I'm tempted to take piano lessons. I love that I can hear the different keys on different instruments. I think it would be fun to learn to play and get back into music.

Well I've managed to successfully sit on a couch for an entire weekend. Guess I should get up, stretch, then sit back down and to prepare for a busy week of patient preps for clinical, papers, and study for the upcoming exam. This is why I need a dog....I need something to force me to move around more and get exercise for once.

Twitchy New Life

My dad told me "Here's to a new life".... I said "Here's to a twitchy new life"

Let me explain.... This morning for my implant mapping, I sat in a room with my parents and fiance each holding their own camera or phone trying to record my reaction (not that there was one unfortunately). The doctor spent an hour programming 3 programs for me. I can't really explain how it all works, but I know I have 3 programs. They all work a little differently. He can set 100 different programs, but the implant can only have 3. He was trying to set the first program and the first sounds I heard were chimes...instead of voices I heard chimes and all I thought was "My brain has to interpret chimes??? huh??? How is that possible??" Well I realized that everything seems to chime like wind chimes until I figure out that I'm hearing.  The noise I know I'm hearing becomes the noise it should be and the chimes go away. I still hear chimes and until I figure out what I'm hearing, it's going to be a part of my every day life.

The first program was set to figure out how loud to set the volume and make it comfortable for me. The second one was more standard, but I noticed my eye was twitching. I kept thinking that maybe I was just really tired or something. The doctor went on to set the 3rd program and 2 seconds later the whole left side of my face started twitching like I had a stroke or something. It would twitch at every word he said because the electrical impulses were much stronger. The look I gave my doctor was "hmmm no... this is not going to happen". I don't think I need to be scaring my patients on a daily basis. The doctor switched it back to a better program...however my eye still twitches occasionally when the impulses are sent. My cheek and lip also twitches especially if it's louder than I'm used to. I manually turned the volume down to level 1 and used the loudest program so I can benefit from hearing more. It seems like the twitching decreased, but if my classmates laugh or if everyone starts clapping, the left side of my face is twitching in response.

Unfortunately...it may never go away....so here's to a twitchy new life. 

I'm amazed at how much I hear now... it's far from sounding "normal", but today I managed to pick up on raindrops, the vending machine sucking my dollar, sounds of cars passing by, window wipers, keys jingling, and the clicking of keyboards. I also heard voices....my dad's laugh sounds exactly the same as I've always heard it, my mom's voice sounds familiar when she calls my name....but my voice sounds like a complete strangers. I feel like every time I start talking I want to jump. I'm startled by how different it is. Most of the voices I heard today sounded relatively normal and not robotic as most people would say. It takes time to get used to it, but if I focus I can understand. My fiance tried talking to me through a wooden door and I was able to understand him. At the 11th hour I was sitting 2nd to last row in an auditorium for a convocation without an interpreter and I could hear words like passion, success, believe, nurse, goal....Little words like that came easy to me. I felt like it wasn't a huge struggle. 

I came home from class today and tried to listen to my stethoscope for the first time and it sounded the same as with a hearing aid but it was so much clearer and louder than it's ever been for me. So now my confidence should increase when I do patient assessments. 

My favorite part of today is right this minute..... I'm listening to music as I type this blog.... OMG It sounds soooo AMAZING!!! I can hear all the instruments and the voices are lyrical. I love hearing the drums, the piano, the guitar and everything in between. I don't think I've ever appreciated music this much.

This has been a crazy day, but one I'll never forget. I'm anxious to see how much better it will continue to get and hopefully I will be back to talking on the phone before I know it.

I'm loving this! It was worth the 6 month wait. :) Ok back to reality.... a little thing called homework. Till next time...

The week I needed

This has been a great week! I was able to see a few of my friends and spend time with my family. It was just what I needed in order to have a mental break from school and take my mind off the fact that I can't hear. 
I'm surprised that I only have 4 more days left to go till I'm introduced to a whole way of listening. I envision that my head is going to explode especially if I'm expected to hear more than I've ever heard before. Maybe it won't be so bad, but we'll see....oh the anticipation!

One of my favorite moments of the week was meeting my little Luna. I've been dying to have this dog for forever and honestly it was the first time I ever got to pet a Weimaraner even though I see them all the time. I loved when she started licking my nose after picking her up knowing she was the one I wanted. It felt like I was getting approval from her. I think she's beautiful and I have a feeling she's going to be a little diva :) I should be expecting her to fly to NY to come live with me in a month. I've got to start shopping to prepare for her arrival.

I look forward to Fall. My fiance and I are now living in our first home, we'll be welcoming Luna soon, I'm in my last semester of nursing school and on top of that I look forward to driving through the pretty scenery and enjoying all the fall foods. I think my stress level will be a lot better now compared to how it's been all year. I'm happy to be in this place of my life and I think from here on out, it'll continue to get better.

Well time to catch my plane! Till next time....

Ear personality

I officially think my ear has it's own personality....I feel like I'm dealing with a 2 year old who has an ongoing temper tantrum. It seems like anytime I have to get up really early in the morning or get off my couch to wash dishes or do something productive,  it screams at me. The ringing I'm hearing is ear-piercing at times, but it sounds more like a yell than a ring. I guess it's helpful to prepare me for motherhood or something. I will have my implant turned on a week from Tuesday so maybe the yelling will stop (I really hope it does!). I'm still enjoying this silence otherwise.

I've made it an effort to practice more sign language and it's been easier to focus on when I don't have anything distracting me. Someday I will become fluent, it's a goal of mine.

I'm currently back in my hometown for almost a week. I've been so busy trying to finish up the last part of the semester and now that I'm off, my brain can stop frying. I think it's a little overcooked.

I went to the Cowboy's game last night with my dad...it was fun to see the new cheerleaders at their first game. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday and I can't help but miss it. Everyone always ask me if I'll dance again.... if my body wasn't so old on the inside I would still try to find the opportunity to. I just say that I'm retired.

This week I plan to relax as much as I can and see a couple friends. My mom and I will try to start looking at venues and maybe....just maybe I can have a wedding date set :) I've managed to start looking at wedding dresses in a magazine and I'm getting a little more excited each day. I'm clueless about wedding stuff so it'll be a learning opportunity for me.

I found out yesterday that I will get to meet my puppy, Luna, on Tuesday. She's only 4 weeks old so I have to wait another 4 weeks before she will be sent to NY to be with me :) I was going to wait till December to get her, but there is no promise that a litter will be available at that time. I think it's better to have her sooner anyways because it'll be nice to train her to go to the bathroom outside before all the snow hits. Plus I look forward to going home from school or clinical everyday and having someone greet me like they haven't seen me in 20 years. That's the best thing about having a dog...no matter how good or bad your day goes, they are always  happy to see you.

Well I'm off to get started for the day, meaning my ear is going to start yelling in 5....4......3.......2.......1..........

LOVE

Last year I wrote a poem out of boredom, it turned out to be one of my favorites. It reminds me of my story with my fiance and taking a chance to be with him.....if I didn't speak up, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Can't you tell I'm ready for Fall???

  LOVE

When I try to describe love, I think about the beauty of autumn…it just takes your breath away. The vibrant

 reds and oranges of the trees are like the fire in your heart, open, vulnerable, lashing out into the world 

before winter casts its shadow. Love is standing out and taking a chance…reaching for every opportunity to 

hold onto its flame. The cold, crisp autumn morning air is followed by the smell of ripening apples that leave 

you longing for more…holding on to each precious moment. It represents the peacefulness, desire, and 

strength of bearing what lies ahead knowing that through the good and bad that flame is still there waiting 

underneath it all. Spring bears its bloom as a reminder. 

When I forget I'm deaf....

So I've been having deaf amnesia lately....

Last night after a long clinical shift I decided to roll down my windows for the ride home to keep me awake. It's 11:30 and I'm belting out Adele songs....keep in mind, I can't hear myself or anything around me.
I pull up to my new village, this car next to me also has the windows down and I didn't think twice that other people can hear me so I kept singing and getting louder I'm sure..... I looked over and the guy was staring at me laughing and displaying "rock on" hands. I was MORTIFIED!! Next time I'll be sure my windows are up!

If that did not remind me of the fact that I can't hear, this morning was even worse....

I got up and wanted another apple cider from Tim Horton's so I decided to drive over and get one.  I pulled into the drive thru and sat there waiting for someone to ask me what I wanted to order for a good 5 minutes. I started yelling at the screen...ANYONE THERE?????? HELLOOO???? To my dismay I was like....duh.... I can't hear. So I pulled up to the window beat red in the face and was like.... :/ I'm sorry....all I wanted was an apple cider... and I just took off.

So if that doesn't remind me that I can't hear....I wonder what I'm going to do next.

Frankenstein

If only it were Halloween..... I'd totally go all out and be Frankenstein. My lovely scar and how I feel would be the ultimate costume!

I feel much more awake today though so I figured I'd blog about it :)

My surgery went well even though I stayed at the hospital a little longer than I had hoped. I'm not in excruciating pain nor am I extremely dizzy so I'm doing much better than I expected. I actually went to school on Monday and took an exam (which I don't even recall doing at this point) and I passed it. Whew.

Only 2.5 more weeks till the end of my 2nd semester of nursing school. Only one more to go....Amazing. I have a total of 9 more papers to write till my break so my hands are going to be glued to my keyboard for awhile.

I have to say I miss my hearing aid. I told it to rest in peace, but each morning I wake up and find myself reaching for something that's not even there. It's getting a little too quiet at times, but I'm actually enjoying the silence mainly because I know it's only temporary. I love being in the car with the window down, the wind on my face, and the world being peaceful. It's so relaxing! I need to take advantage of it.

Lots of positive things going on this week (even though I'm trying to recover and stop walking like an intoxicated person)..... I'm moving into a new house with my fiance on Saturday and I can not wait to start this new journey with him! My mom has been in town helping me out and it's been nice having her around. Sometimes you just need to see your mom! I'm still waiting to hear if I can go home to Texas for my break. It will depend if I'm allowed to fly with all the air-pressure. It would be nice to go home and see more of my family and my friends too. I also need to get a wedding date and place as well.

Alright I'm about to crash again. Till next time....

-Anita Vay Kation

Crossroads

Well it's been an interesting couple of days.... I've been trying to get as many papers as I can done before my surgery this Friday and I just got 2 more thrown on me Saturday night. I calculated a total of 13 papers to do in 4.5 weeks. It feels so cruel. I love nursing,  but I'm not the biggest fan of nursing school. I have moments that I like and moments I wish never occurred. I think my school has a great program, but there is no room for "life", "mistakes", "relationships" etc etc etc..... it's hard to push through an entire year when all your weekends and days off are full of homework. I probably can count the number of days on one hand that I didn't do some form of work from January to now. I shouldn't complain because I'm done in one year. Sometimes I just wish that if "life" happened, I wouldn't be punished for it. 

I know I asked myself everyday....Is it worth killing yourself to do something you love or is it better to settle for something less.....95% of the time my answer is the former. Of course I'd rather have a job that I love and gives me purpose than a job I hate and be miserable. 

I've always been one to push through things that people tell me I can't do, not because I want to get back at them, but because if it's truly something I love, I'm not going to let people walk over me and tell me I can't. 

I've had some issues with nursing school and my deafness. My goal was to never make it an issue. I wish I could say that it's been an amazing year. I really did look forward to all the challenges and being in a place I thought I'd never be. Until people understand the needs of hard of hearing students or any disability for that matter....it's not my recommendation to go through something that extreme. I would recommend people with disabilities to become nurses because I think they see the world a little bit differently and have a different perspective when it comes to caring. It's choosing the right place, the right program, the right length of time to make that happen and they have to be willing to let "life" happen if it must and be willing to work around that. 

This year is the first year I've truly used an interpreter in class and in clinical for me. It's been almost life changing in it's own way. I am one stubborn person and will refuse to use microphones, notes, captioned print services, interpreters, etc etc etc.... It took all of me to accept having an interpreter in nursing school because I hate feeling different. However, I think my interpreters have been my life-savers...especially one in particular. When I lost my hearing back in March the only time I could really communicate with anyone was with an interpreter....I'm talking "normal conversation" without stress and slowed paced speech,  so everyday I looked forward to having an interpreter around to feel whole again. I felt like it became a part of me and now I know that I have better, I don't want to go back to being without one. 

I learned that sometimes it's ok to ask for help. I don't need to be stubborn because that help can reduce the stress I put on myself that make my life that much harder. I consider myself lucky and honored to have the resources that I do. 

I'm 2.5 days till goodbye....my crossroad is here. Part of me wants to leave my crappy year behind and start fresh with the implant. I know that it'll be ok...my month of silence should do me some good to rethink everything...to let my inner voice yell, scream, sing, and be the only voice I hear for awhile. My favorite thing to do to make things "fun" for me....is to put voices to the people who are talking to me...to take a wild guess and be completely wrong. I'll do british accents, daffy duck, elton john, you name it... 

I always wonder that if I chose a different path, where would I be today?? I don't think I'd be with the love of my life. He's been through everything with me and he makes my awful year worth it. I know he probably doesn't know how much I appreciate it because I'm not around enough to show it. Would I have chosen a different path if I had the choice to go down an easy road instead of this one....no, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. 

6 Days till Goodbye

I found out yesterday that I misread an e-mail from my OR scheduler. We had originally been talking about a Sept 6 surgery date that I refused to do and then immediately she wrote back and said we have an 8/3/12 opening. I read that as a Sept 3 surgery and I blame nursing school for my misinterpretation. My worn out brain can't function like it used to anymore.

Yesterday I received another email saying we are going to schedule to turn on your implant on Sept 4. That made no sense to me because you have to wait 4-6 weeks to turn it on. Then I wrote back and ask her to clarify all the dates scheduled. That's when I realized it was August 3rd, not September 3rd. That makes a world of a difference.

I'm excited, but I'm not at the same time. I'm excited to see what I can get out of this implant, but I'm not excited to have to learn every single sound I've ever heard all over again. I'm afraid I'm not going to like it.

I had it in my mind that I was going to spend the next month listening to all the songs I enjoy one last time, going home and spending time with my family and friends and listen to their voices one last time. I know that when I get this implant, my world will never sound the same. The voices I grew up listening to will sound like a complete stranger, even my own. It will take a couple years for me not to realize it anymore, but I wish it was immediate.

So while I need this surgery to get better outcomes, I'm still hesitant to let go. I get 6 days to say goodbye and then I enter a month of silence. I will try to make the best of it and be thankful that there is something that can potentially give me more hearing than I've ever heard in my life.

Stuck Between Two Worlds

I wasn't exactly planning to write a blog today, but I was invited to sit on a panel and discuss to deaf high school students about why I choose a career in the health field as a deaf person. (Basically trying to explain that I'm crazy enough to even consider it). The panel consisted 4 doctors (or doctors in training) and myself (the student nurse). I was the only one of the 5 who could not get up in front of an audience and speak in sign language. I was a little torn apart about it. I have never felt like I belong in the deaf world or the hearing world and I find myself in a constant battle trying to figure out where I stand.

This has been my life mission. I want the best of both worlds, I want to fit in somewhere, but I think that's never going to happen. I think I need to learn to be ok with fitting in with a small minority of people who stand between the 2 worlds like I do. I will never fully understand either worlds, I need to be comfortable in my own. I would love to practice more signs so that I can easily communicate with deaf people. I know sign language, but my hands don't follow what I want them to do.  I can carry on a conversation with one person, only my pace will be about 2 miles an hour and not 50.

Today was a little frustrating because I wanted to connect with the deaf students around me. I wanted to feel like I understand their world, but I felt extremely out of place. I think I feel out of place on a daily basis anyways. The only time I felt like I belonged in a group was when I went to a camp years ago specifically for oral speaking deaf kids. I would definitely go back to that time if I ever had the ability to. I made some incredible friends there who I don't get to see often enough.

This is an example of one of my "hard" days.  I know I have to try and pick up the pieces and remember how lucky I am to be where I am today. However, I'm wearing my purple nail polish and that means the world is not coming to an end yet :)


Can you hear me now??

The Art of Nail Polish

BREAKING NEWS!!! I can wear nail polish for the next 6 weeks...... only nursing students can understand this (Sorry Guys!)

I'm entering my 5th clinical rotation of 7 this Friday and I just got word from my instructor that we are allowed to wear nail polish. My group is full of girls and I know we were all internally giddy to have this privilege....even my sidekick.

I have to admit, I'm a deep thinker. I can even make nail polish have some meaning behind it...

I went to the mall today to shop for clothes with the purpose of buying clothes that I'm only going to wear a couple times. However, I managed to find something that I can wear with jeans and nice slacks. It's a win-win for me. So while I was deeply engrossed in trying to find a few tops, all I could think about it was how much I tend to go after clothes that are black, gray, and neutral in color. I think it's absolutely depressing at times. So my goal is to start wearing things that bring a little more light to my personality.

This goes for nail polish too.... I believe people interpret happiness in many different ways. One aspect of it is that my happy can be purple while for others it's green or pink or blue. My happy could be floating on a river in the middle of nowhere while for others it's shopping in the city. So my purpose now is to define what my happy is and carry a little bit of it with me so that when my day goes completely wrong, it won't appear to be hell or high water, but only a minor obstacle that I face.

Now it's time to shop for colors...where do I begin?? Adore-a-Ball? Eternal Optimist?Mob square?Splash of grenadine?Pansy? Tea and Crumpets? Cute as a button? Turquoise & caicos? School of hard rock?

WAYYY too many to choose from!!

“It’s our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect It’s successful outcome”

Change

Verb  : To make the form, nature, content, future course, etc of (something) different than what it is or from what it would be if left alone. 

 

I wanted to start a new blog because my last few drawings have not been up to par so I need to take a break and do something else.  I realized I've been a prisoner of my own thoughts. Earlier this year I lost my residual hearing for 3 months and the only thing I could hear was my inner voice (which typically has a Cockney accent 75% of the time).  In just a month and a few days I will become a prisoner of my thoughts all over again, but only for a few weeks. This time I want to make the experience different.

I spent my life trying to hide my deafness by putting myself in the most challenging situations. I realize now that it only makes me think about it more. I've come to peace with it, even with the daily struggles, but sometimes it's hard not to get down about it especially when I can see the way I'm treated versus how others are treated. Unfortunately, I've dealt with it my whole life.

I'm sick of being down about it, I'm sick of hiding it, I'm sick of feeling less worthy because of it. I'm ready to change my thought process and just simply live my life as happy as I can. I realize I have the choice to wake up and tackle each day as it comes and not just assume that life is a domino effect of bad luck and that's what I'm stuck with. 

My view of wanting to change started earlier this month because almost everyday I spend my time around someone who I believe is the happiest, most carefree person I've ever met and everyday I wish I had that attitude no matter what happens. This has been by far the hardest year of my life and I believe most of it is how I make it. 

So with that being said, I hope you join me on my road of change, even if I stumble along the way. 

Now lets not forget the funny stuff....