Stuck Between Two Worlds

I wasn't exactly planning to write a blog today, but I was invited to sit on a panel and discuss to deaf high school students about why I choose a career in the health field as a deaf person. (Basically trying to explain that I'm crazy enough to even consider it). The panel consisted 4 doctors (or doctors in training) and myself (the student nurse). I was the only one of the 5 who could not get up in front of an audience and speak in sign language. I was a little torn apart about it. I have never felt like I belong in the deaf world or the hearing world and I find myself in a constant battle trying to figure out where I stand.

This has been my life mission. I want the best of both worlds, I want to fit in somewhere, but I think that's never going to happen. I think I need to learn to be ok with fitting in with a small minority of people who stand between the 2 worlds like I do. I will never fully understand either worlds, I need to be comfortable in my own. I would love to practice more signs so that I can easily communicate with deaf people. I know sign language, but my hands don't follow what I want them to do.  I can carry on a conversation with one person, only my pace will be about 2 miles an hour and not 50.

Today was a little frustrating because I wanted to connect with the deaf students around me. I wanted to feel like I understand their world, but I felt extremely out of place. I think I feel out of place on a daily basis anyways. The only time I felt like I belonged in a group was when I went to a camp years ago specifically for oral speaking deaf kids. I would definitely go back to that time if I ever had the ability to. I made some incredible friends there who I don't get to see often enough.

This is an example of one of my "hard" days.  I know I have to try and pick up the pieces and remember how lucky I am to be where I am today. However, I'm wearing my purple nail polish and that means the world is not coming to an end yet :)


Can you hear me now??