Clarity

Today was a fun day. I had a photographer come all the way from Texas to take engagement pictures of James and I at the park, barn, and coffee shop. I was wondering how this was going to go...my fiance and I don't really "love" on each other in public or take things "seriously". Needless to say...I think we did OK...or at least I hope so. We had little Luna in the pictures too since she's part of our family. She basically passed out the second half of the session so we were able to do pictures at the coffee shop without having to worry about her.

I was debating on taking off my implant for the pictures. It's huge and I'm not used to having it. I don't exactly like to show that I'm deaf but sometimes I can't get away from it. My photographer really touched me today when she said she was inspired and that I should just show it off. Sometimes that's all I need to make things ok.

As far as my implant goes...I just had a mapping done on Tuesday. Fun stuff. I had to go and do a mini hearing exam to let the audiologist know what needed to be adjusted. Apparently I was hearing way too much in the low frequency range, but hardly anything in the high frequency range so it was almost like wearing a hearing aid. The audiologist decided to shift the mapping so I can hear more in the high frequency range and less in the low frequency. I'm amazed how much better it sounds. My voice sounds back to normal and it even gives me the ability to focus on my speech some more. I'm starting to pick up more sounds again but I'm far from where I want to be. The audiologist explained to me that my twitching was coming from the high frequency area where I may not have developed nerves or that those specific nerves were damaged from the kind of progressive hearing loss that I have. He was able to cut out a couple of electrodes so now I'm not dealing with the twitching as much anymore.

This year has been full of ups and downs. I feel like no matter what path I could go down as a deaf person, things never become easy. I think my parents chose the right path for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just hard because now that I've relied on an interpreter the whole year, I realized how much my whole world has changed. I've missed out on all the little details in life, such as the little things people say to each other or the outburst of laughter in the classroom from some random remark. I've spent 25 years only getting bits and pieces of conversation and it's so hard to explain to someone who can hear what that's like to miss out on so much. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to scream to relieve the frustration.

Part of all that makes my personality the way it is. I sometimes think I'm the most uninteresting person on the planet because I didn't grow up listening to conversations or have the ability to learn about what's going on in everyone else's lives. I come across shy for that reason since I spend so much of my day trying to piece together sentences. I know I'm not shy on the inside...I know that I could talk for hours because I have so much to say and yet I can't get it out. I only have a  few people that I am able to do that with.  I wish that there were more people who felt comfortable talking to a deaf person. I need patience to be able to develop a friendship instead of simply being that person everyone says Hi or Bye to in order to acknowledge I'm there. I want others to get to know the real me and see that I'm honestly no different on the inside. Whenever I start a new program, join a team, etc... I always tell myself that things will change. I try hard to fit in and talk with others, but it gets to a point where it's too hard to keep up with everyone else and then they all establish their own group of friends. I don't know what goes on in their lives anymore and then I'm back to square one. I hate small talk and I never seem to get away from it.

I guess I've been feeling kind of lonely especially since I'm not around other people like myself. It's sad that everyday I look forward to having an interpreter around because someone becomes my ears and all the sounds, laughter, and annoyances come back to me. I feel like I exist when everything is tied together and yet when my interpreter leaves, it all falls apart only until next time. My fiance is very easy for me to understand and have conversations with. It's part of why he is my fiance. I feel like myself when I'm with him and he has the patience to understand me as a person. Ever since the first day I met him, we have never had a dull moment. However he can't always interpret everything for  me either. If I had an interpreter glued to me, that would be a miracle. So I have to accept the things I can't change, which is hard to do. I want a positive life so I need to enjoy what I can and not dwell on the things I can't. I just wish that I didn't know the difference.

Alright enough of the emotional stuff....Time to finish my wine and study.... and yes in that order.