Crossroads

Well it's been an interesting couple of days.... I've been trying to get as many papers as I can done before my surgery this Friday and I just got 2 more thrown on me Saturday night. I calculated a total of 13 papers to do in 4.5 weeks. It feels so cruel. I love nursing,  but I'm not the biggest fan of nursing school. I have moments that I like and moments I wish never occurred. I think my school has a great program, but there is no room for "life", "mistakes", "relationships" etc etc etc..... it's hard to push through an entire year when all your weekends and days off are full of homework. I probably can count the number of days on one hand that I didn't do some form of work from January to now. I shouldn't complain because I'm done in one year. Sometimes I just wish that if "life" happened, I wouldn't be punished for it. 

I know I asked myself everyday....Is it worth killing yourself to do something you love or is it better to settle for something less.....95% of the time my answer is the former. Of course I'd rather have a job that I love and gives me purpose than a job I hate and be miserable. 

I've always been one to push through things that people tell me I can't do, not because I want to get back at them, but because if it's truly something I love, I'm not going to let people walk over me and tell me I can't. 

I've had some issues with nursing school and my deafness. My goal was to never make it an issue. I wish I could say that it's been an amazing year. I really did look forward to all the challenges and being in a place I thought I'd never be. Until people understand the needs of hard of hearing students or any disability for that matter....it's not my recommendation to go through something that extreme. I would recommend people with disabilities to become nurses because I think they see the world a little bit differently and have a different perspective when it comes to caring. It's choosing the right place, the right program, the right length of time to make that happen and they have to be willing to let "life" happen if it must and be willing to work around that. 

This year is the first year I've truly used an interpreter in class and in clinical for me. It's been almost life changing in it's own way. I am one stubborn person and will refuse to use microphones, notes, captioned print services, interpreters, etc etc etc.... It took all of me to accept having an interpreter in nursing school because I hate feeling different. However, I think my interpreters have been my life-savers...especially one in particular. When I lost my hearing back in March the only time I could really communicate with anyone was with an interpreter....I'm talking "normal conversation" without stress and slowed paced speech,  so everyday I looked forward to having an interpreter around to feel whole again. I felt like it became a part of me and now I know that I have better, I don't want to go back to being without one. 

I learned that sometimes it's ok to ask for help. I don't need to be stubborn because that help can reduce the stress I put on myself that make my life that much harder. I consider myself lucky and honored to have the resources that I do. 

I'm 2.5 days till goodbye....my crossroad is here. Part of me wants to leave my crappy year behind and start fresh with the implant. I know that it'll be ok...my month of silence should do me some good to rethink everything...to let my inner voice yell, scream, sing, and be the only voice I hear for awhile. My favorite thing to do to make things "fun" for me....is to put voices to the people who are talking to me...to take a wild guess and be completely wrong. I'll do british accents, daffy duck, elton john, you name it... 

I always wonder that if I chose a different path, where would I be today?? I don't think I'd be with the love of my life. He's been through everything with me and he makes my awful year worth it. I know he probably doesn't know how much I appreciate it because I'm not around enough to show it. Would I have chosen a different path if I had the choice to go down an easy road instead of this one....no, I wouldn't hesitate for a second.