Crossroads

Well it's been an interesting couple of days.... I've been trying to get as many papers as I can done before my surgery this Friday and I just got 2 more thrown on me Saturday night. I calculated a total of 13 papers to do in 4.5 weeks. It feels so cruel. I love nursing,  but I'm not the biggest fan of nursing school. I have moments that I like and moments I wish never occurred. I think my school has a great program, but there is no room for "life", "mistakes", "relationships" etc etc etc..... it's hard to push through an entire year when all your weekends and days off are full of homework. I probably can count the number of days on one hand that I didn't do some form of work from January to now. I shouldn't complain because I'm done in one year. Sometimes I just wish that if "life" happened, I wouldn't be punished for it. 

I know I asked myself everyday....Is it worth killing yourself to do something you love or is it better to settle for something less.....95% of the time my answer is the former. Of course I'd rather have a job that I love and gives me purpose than a job I hate and be miserable. 

I've always been one to push through things that people tell me I can't do, not because I want to get back at them, but because if it's truly something I love, I'm not going to let people walk over me and tell me I can't. 

I've had some issues with nursing school and my deafness. My goal was to never make it an issue. I wish I could say that it's been an amazing year. I really did look forward to all the challenges and being in a place I thought I'd never be. Until people understand the needs of hard of hearing students or any disability for that matter....it's not my recommendation to go through something that extreme. I would recommend people with disabilities to become nurses because I think they see the world a little bit differently and have a different perspective when it comes to caring. It's choosing the right place, the right program, the right length of time to make that happen and they have to be willing to let "life" happen if it must and be willing to work around that. 

This year is the first year I've truly used an interpreter in class and in clinical for me. It's been almost life changing in it's own way. I am one stubborn person and will refuse to use microphones, notes, captioned print services, interpreters, etc etc etc.... It took all of me to accept having an interpreter in nursing school because I hate feeling different. However, I think my interpreters have been my life-savers...especially one in particular. When I lost my hearing back in March the only time I could really communicate with anyone was with an interpreter....I'm talking "normal conversation" without stress and slowed paced speech,  so everyday I looked forward to having an interpreter around to feel whole again. I felt like it became a part of me and now I know that I have better, I don't want to go back to being without one. 

I learned that sometimes it's ok to ask for help. I don't need to be stubborn because that help can reduce the stress I put on myself that make my life that much harder. I consider myself lucky and honored to have the resources that I do. 

I'm 2.5 days till goodbye....my crossroad is here. Part of me wants to leave my crappy year behind and start fresh with the implant. I know that it'll be ok...my month of silence should do me some good to rethink everything...to let my inner voice yell, scream, sing, and be the only voice I hear for awhile. My favorite thing to do to make things "fun" for me....is to put voices to the people who are talking to me...to take a wild guess and be completely wrong. I'll do british accents, daffy duck, elton john, you name it... 

I always wonder that if I chose a different path, where would I be today?? I don't think I'd be with the love of my life. He's been through everything with me and he makes my awful year worth it. I know he probably doesn't know how much I appreciate it because I'm not around enough to show it. Would I have chosen a different path if I had the choice to go down an easy road instead of this one....no, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. 

6 Days till Goodbye

I found out yesterday that I misread an e-mail from my OR scheduler. We had originally been talking about a Sept 6 surgery date that I refused to do and then immediately she wrote back and said we have an 8/3/12 opening. I read that as a Sept 3 surgery and I blame nursing school for my misinterpretation. My worn out brain can't function like it used to anymore.

Yesterday I received another email saying we are going to schedule to turn on your implant on Sept 4. That made no sense to me because you have to wait 4-6 weeks to turn it on. Then I wrote back and ask her to clarify all the dates scheduled. That's when I realized it was August 3rd, not September 3rd. That makes a world of a difference.

I'm excited, but I'm not at the same time. I'm excited to see what I can get out of this implant, but I'm not excited to have to learn every single sound I've ever heard all over again. I'm afraid I'm not going to like it.

I had it in my mind that I was going to spend the next month listening to all the songs I enjoy one last time, going home and spending time with my family and friends and listen to their voices one last time. I know that when I get this implant, my world will never sound the same. The voices I grew up listening to will sound like a complete stranger, even my own. It will take a couple years for me not to realize it anymore, but I wish it was immediate.

So while I need this surgery to get better outcomes, I'm still hesitant to let go. I get 6 days to say goodbye and then I enter a month of silence. I will try to make the best of it and be thankful that there is something that can potentially give me more hearing than I've ever heard in my life.

Stuck Between Two Worlds

I wasn't exactly planning to write a blog today, but I was invited to sit on a panel and discuss to deaf high school students about why I choose a career in the health field as a deaf person. (Basically trying to explain that I'm crazy enough to even consider it). The panel consisted 4 doctors (or doctors in training) and myself (the student nurse). I was the only one of the 5 who could not get up in front of an audience and speak in sign language. I was a little torn apart about it. I have never felt like I belong in the deaf world or the hearing world and I find myself in a constant battle trying to figure out where I stand.

This has been my life mission. I want the best of both worlds, I want to fit in somewhere, but I think that's never going to happen. I think I need to learn to be ok with fitting in with a small minority of people who stand between the 2 worlds like I do. I will never fully understand either worlds, I need to be comfortable in my own. I would love to practice more signs so that I can easily communicate with deaf people. I know sign language, but my hands don't follow what I want them to do.  I can carry on a conversation with one person, only my pace will be about 2 miles an hour and not 50.

Today was a little frustrating because I wanted to connect with the deaf students around me. I wanted to feel like I understand their world, but I felt extremely out of place. I think I feel out of place on a daily basis anyways. The only time I felt like I belonged in a group was when I went to a camp years ago specifically for oral speaking deaf kids. I would definitely go back to that time if I ever had the ability to. I made some incredible friends there who I don't get to see often enough.

This is an example of one of my "hard" days.  I know I have to try and pick up the pieces and remember how lucky I am to be where I am today. However, I'm wearing my purple nail polish and that means the world is not coming to an end yet :)


Can you hear me now??

The Art of Nail Polish

BREAKING NEWS!!! I can wear nail polish for the next 6 weeks...... only nursing students can understand this (Sorry Guys!)

I'm entering my 5th clinical rotation of 7 this Friday and I just got word from my instructor that we are allowed to wear nail polish. My group is full of girls and I know we were all internally giddy to have this privilege....even my sidekick.

I have to admit, I'm a deep thinker. I can even make nail polish have some meaning behind it...

I went to the mall today to shop for clothes with the purpose of buying clothes that I'm only going to wear a couple times. However, I managed to find something that I can wear with jeans and nice slacks. It's a win-win for me. So while I was deeply engrossed in trying to find a few tops, all I could think about it was how much I tend to go after clothes that are black, gray, and neutral in color. I think it's absolutely depressing at times. So my goal is to start wearing things that bring a little more light to my personality.

This goes for nail polish too.... I believe people interpret happiness in many different ways. One aspect of it is that my happy can be purple while for others it's green or pink or blue. My happy could be floating on a river in the middle of nowhere while for others it's shopping in the city. So my purpose now is to define what my happy is and carry a little bit of it with me so that when my day goes completely wrong, it won't appear to be hell or high water, but only a minor obstacle that I face.

Now it's time to shop for colors...where do I begin?? Adore-a-Ball? Eternal Optimist?Mob square?Splash of grenadine?Pansy? Tea and Crumpets? Cute as a button? Turquoise & caicos? School of hard rock?

WAYYY too many to choose from!!

“It’s our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect It’s successful outcome”

Change

Verb  : To make the form, nature, content, future course, etc of (something) different than what it is or from what it would be if left alone. 

 

I wanted to start a new blog because my last few drawings have not been up to par so I need to take a break and do something else.  I realized I've been a prisoner of my own thoughts. Earlier this year I lost my residual hearing for 3 months and the only thing I could hear was my inner voice (which typically has a Cockney accent 75% of the time).  In just a month and a few days I will become a prisoner of my thoughts all over again, but only for a few weeks. This time I want to make the experience different.

I spent my life trying to hide my deafness by putting myself in the most challenging situations. I realize now that it only makes me think about it more. I've come to peace with it, even with the daily struggles, but sometimes it's hard not to get down about it especially when I can see the way I'm treated versus how others are treated. Unfortunately, I've dealt with it my whole life.

I'm sick of being down about it, I'm sick of hiding it, I'm sick of feeling less worthy because of it. I'm ready to change my thought process and just simply live my life as happy as I can. I realize I have the choice to wake up and tackle each day as it comes and not just assume that life is a domino effect of bad luck and that's what I'm stuck with. 

My view of wanting to change started earlier this month because almost everyday I spend my time around someone who I believe is the happiest, most carefree person I've ever met and everyday I wish I had that attitude no matter what happens. This has been by far the hardest year of my life and I believe most of it is how I make it. 

So with that being said, I hope you join me on my road of change, even if I stumble along the way. 

Now lets not forget the funny stuff....