Tranquility

Tranquility is what I need in my life right now and I feel like it's a thousand miles away. Just when things become less chaotic, it all comes flooding back. I always wonder if I'm ever going to get there.

Sometimes all I want is to find a quiet spot, near a body of water with absolutely no one around but myself and a good book. A place where I can hear myself think without all the mumbling and sounds that I surround myself with everyday. It's exhausting to keep up with the amount of focus I have to put out there in order to converse with people whether in or out of work. I want a day off without worry, stress, or an agenda. I want to feel the sunshine, close my eyes and breathe.

I might get the opportunity to do just that next month if I can work out a plan. It'll be something to look forward to and one I will embrace. I think for most people, it's always good to step out of their daily lives and breathe a different kind of fresh air, one that cleanses the soul.

More on the topic of love: I still think I'm looking for something that feels so rare, yet worth waiting for. There are so many definitions to love, but I'd like to add another saying....

You know love when you find a piece of yourself in someone else.

That's all for today :) I hope everyone has been enjoying the summer months.

Lost in Translation

 I know it's been over a month since I last posted a blog.... So much has happened, both good and bad and I've had to step back and reevaluate some things.

After overcoming some hurdles, I now feel at a better place with everything. I realize that things really do happen for a reason even if in the middle of those rough times you can't see it. Sometimes enduring the bad times can get you to a better place in the end.

Now that my days are easier and more clear I'm finding that I have a different purpose in life and it's one I was oblivious to in the beginning.  I've certainly found happiness on a much deeper level and I think it'll continue to stay that way.

On another note, lately I've been feeling a little lost in translation. People see that I have a cochlear implant and know that I do well with it, but they assume I can hear everything perfectly when I can't. To me the implant is still a work in progress as I'm still learning new sounds and hearing better everyday. However, it doesn't mean I'll ever reach the level of a hearing person. It's hard in social gatherings when everyone is talking. I don't think people understand how much I'm missing and therefore I'm typically quieter because I have no idea what's going on. I can handle it for a little while but sometimes it becomes frustrating because people just assume I'm always going to be a quiet person when what I really want is to talk and get to know everyone. It's hard knowing where to jump in. This is one of the reasons I miss dancing..... It gave me something to speak freely about with my body and made me feel like I was part of something where people couldn't see the difference. It gave me the chance to be as loud or as quiet as I wanted to be and I wasn't afraid to show it. I wish my body wasn't so old on the inside and that I was able to carry on dancing forever. Can't always have everything you wish for... Just saying....

The Color of Rain

One of the small things in life that I love is blue eyes. I feel like I can lose myself in them...especially the kind of blue that the color of rain wishes it could be.

I've always had this perpetual desire to be with someone who has blue eyes. These days I figured it's too much to ask for, it's too shallow, so I did compensate by getting myself a blue-eyed Weimaraner as a companion.

Let's just say she's lucky to have those icy blue eyes because with all the trouble she's caused lately, it's hard for me to get mad at her for it.

I've had a lot of time to myself lately to think about what I want. I know that I have to put aside a lot of high expectations and simply stay open-minded about people and what they have to offer. Looks have never truly mattered to me, but if they have certain attributes that I like, it's always an extra blessing. Most of the time I find that I love imperfection more than anything. I think it makes people more human, more real, and more unique.

On the topic of rain, I feel like I'm at a certain peace with myself in this point of my life. I can finally breathe. Work has been busy and yet fun. I love what I get to do on a daily basis. I love feeling like someone trusts me to care for them and it makes me think that I have a purpose in this world. It's one of those moments I've been waiting for forever.

I hope at this point with the job in place, I can slowly pick up the pieces of the life I've imagine for myself....shouldn't be anything too unrealistic.

"There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down."
Don Delillo

Love is Impervious to Logic

This has been quite a week. Started working, had Valentine's day and my birthday all in one week.
It's been a great week too and I've had more time to relax than I did going to school. I can certainly get used to working and being able to come home and have a life. I feel a little more complete.

One thing I learned last week was that I'm hearing even more than I thought I was. My hearing has increased and I hope it still continues to climb as I've only had my implant for 6 months. I'm starting to think this implant is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I never thought I'd hear this much in my life. It's truly amazing. I'm able to talk on the phone again and I'm hearing video recordings in class without needing interpreters or captions. The only thing is... I'm still twitching on a daily basis and my implant falls off my thick head of hair quite often. I realized that the twitching comes from a certain pitch that the nerves in my ears can't stand.  The sound of running water has that particular pitch that makes me feel like my ear is being electrocuted, it's the strangest thing. You can imagine how often I hear running water every day especially since I'm working in a hospital where we have to wash our hands frequently. It's my number one annoyance right now.

Anyways, while January was a rough month, February is definitely looking up. Valentine's day made me think about Love. I've had more time to myself lately and I'm still trying to figure out the logic of it all. I've come to the conclusion...

Love is impervious to logic.

Love is not something you can truly explain. There is no equation or materialistic thing you can go searching for, it just happens and it's powerful.

Everyone defines love in their own way, everyone's view of love is different. It's a matter of finding that kind of love where it's exactly how you pictured it. That is what I'm looking for.... I can't sit around and let it find me or spend all my time trying to find it. It's a balance between 2 people searching for the same thing that will bring them together. I like to think I'm one day closer to finding it than I was yesterday.

The future is unwritten, so write it well...

 It's been a long time since I've posted a blog, but then again life has been nothing but hectic. School was wrapping up, graduation occurred, holidays came and went, ended up making some major changes, took the boards and passed it, got a job and now I'm enjoying my last 3 days before I start work.

I've been living by a couple quotes since the new year started...

"You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have."


And...

"Good things come to those who wait."  

As some people may not know.. I left my fiance earlier this year... I'm not here to share the details. He is a great guy but I felt that it wasn't meant to be for the two of us.

My biggest goal in life is to have a family, to have 2-3 kids, and to make a difference. I feel like it's one of the most challenging goals I can set for myself. I want to make sure I'm with the right person before settling down with someone I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. 

It's hard not to feel pressured to settle especially since I'm getting closer to 30 every day. Good things come to those wait is something I firmly believe in. I want to find the kind of love where you can't even explain it, the kind of love where you just know, the kind of love where you stick together through thick and thin. This is the kind of love I rarely get to see, but when it's there, it's obvious to everyone around them. That is the kind of love I'm searching for and I don't care how long it takes me. 

Right now I'm taking the time to search a little deeper into myself, start a new life, make new friends and figure out what truly makes me happy.

It's hard to make drastic changes. I need time for myself. It's something I haven't had the chance to do since I've been so wrapped up in school for the last 7 years. I think it's important to take a break gain a clear perspective before charging forward once again. 

I look forward to this new phase as I'm still mending from the things I left, the people I had to hurt, and the comfort of knowing what my future was going to be like. 

The picture that says the future is unwritten, so write it well.... I hope that I make better choices, smile more, laugh more, love more, and take the time to really think about everything in general. There's no rush especially because one road can make your life totally different from another road you could have taken. I don't want to have regrets or just simply settle because it's expected of me. 

2013 has been a rough year so far, but that doesn't mean the rest has to be.... 

 

Clarity

Today was a fun day. I had a photographer come all the way from Texas to take engagement pictures of James and I at the park, barn, and coffee shop. I was wondering how this was going to go...my fiance and I don't really "love" on each other in public or take things "seriously". Needless to say...I think we did OK...or at least I hope so. We had little Luna in the pictures too since she's part of our family. She basically passed out the second half of the session so we were able to do pictures at the coffee shop without having to worry about her.

I was debating on taking off my implant for the pictures. It's huge and I'm not used to having it. I don't exactly like to show that I'm deaf but sometimes I can't get away from it. My photographer really touched me today when she said she was inspired and that I should just show it off. Sometimes that's all I need to make things ok.

As far as my implant goes...I just had a mapping done on Tuesday. Fun stuff. I had to go and do a mini hearing exam to let the audiologist know what needed to be adjusted. Apparently I was hearing way too much in the low frequency range, but hardly anything in the high frequency range so it was almost like wearing a hearing aid. The audiologist decided to shift the mapping so I can hear more in the high frequency range and less in the low frequency. I'm amazed how much better it sounds. My voice sounds back to normal and it even gives me the ability to focus on my speech some more. I'm starting to pick up more sounds again but I'm far from where I want to be. The audiologist explained to me that my twitching was coming from the high frequency area where I may not have developed nerves or that those specific nerves were damaged from the kind of progressive hearing loss that I have. He was able to cut out a couple of electrodes so now I'm not dealing with the twitching as much anymore.

This year has been full of ups and downs. I feel like no matter what path I could go down as a deaf person, things never become easy. I think my parents chose the right path for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just hard because now that I've relied on an interpreter the whole year, I realized how much my whole world has changed. I've missed out on all the little details in life, such as the little things people say to each other or the outburst of laughter in the classroom from some random remark. I've spent 25 years only getting bits and pieces of conversation and it's so hard to explain to someone who can hear what that's like to miss out on so much. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to scream to relieve the frustration.

Part of all that makes my personality the way it is. I sometimes think I'm the most uninteresting person on the planet because I didn't grow up listening to conversations or have the ability to learn about what's going on in everyone else's lives. I come across shy for that reason since I spend so much of my day trying to piece together sentences. I know I'm not shy on the inside...I know that I could talk for hours because I have so much to say and yet I can't get it out. I only have a  few people that I am able to do that with.  I wish that there were more people who felt comfortable talking to a deaf person. I need patience to be able to develop a friendship instead of simply being that person everyone says Hi or Bye to in order to acknowledge I'm there. I want others to get to know the real me and see that I'm honestly no different on the inside. Whenever I start a new program, join a team, etc... I always tell myself that things will change. I try hard to fit in and talk with others, but it gets to a point where it's too hard to keep up with everyone else and then they all establish their own group of friends. I don't know what goes on in their lives anymore and then I'm back to square one. I hate small talk and I never seem to get away from it.

I guess I've been feeling kind of lonely especially since I'm not around other people like myself. It's sad that everyday I look forward to having an interpreter around because someone becomes my ears and all the sounds, laughter, and annoyances come back to me. I feel like I exist when everything is tied together and yet when my interpreter leaves, it all falls apart only until next time. My fiance is very easy for me to understand and have conversations with. It's part of why he is my fiance. I feel like myself when I'm with him and he has the patience to understand me as a person. Ever since the first day I met him, we have never had a dull moment. However he can't always interpret everything for  me either. If I had an interpreter glued to me, that would be a miracle. So I have to accept the things I can't change, which is hard to do. I want a positive life so I need to enjoy what I can and not dwell on the things I can't. I just wish that I didn't know the difference.

Alright enough of the emotional stuff....Time to finish my wine and study.... and yes in that order.

It's Fall....with a pinch of crazy.

 I can't believe it's already October! I'm halfway done with my Med/Surg clinical rotation. Only 11 more weeks of school (shocking!) The last few weeks I've been dealing with pneumonia and trying to get everything ready for Luna's arrival so I apologize for the late blog.

Luna has certainly grown before our eyes. Picking her up at the airport was fun. However, she came to us in a crate and she welcomed us smelling of poop. I had to take her out and drag her to the bathroom to wash her off before I could put  her down to play. She immediately took to me and for the first two days and refused to leave my side. By the 3rd day she seemed to open up to my fiance and everyone else around her. She certainly is a sweet dog and calm for the most part. We've worked on 5 tricks with her and she's picking it up pretty quickly but house training is going to take awhile. The weather is dropping quickly and she's learning she'd rather go inside the house than to deal with the cold
                                                               weather outside.

 I think she's the right pinch of crazy I needed in my life right now even though it's a change to have a puppy in the house. I love having a dog to take care of and watch all the crazy things they do. It just generates more laughter in the house.












Luna met  her best friend who lives down the street. He's a puppy too and they love fighting over toys and playing hide and seek. I look forward to watching them grow together :)

I have new implant updates, which I'll blog about on Friday so keep on the lookout :)