Clarity

Today was a fun day. I had a photographer come all the way from Texas to take engagement pictures of James and I at the park, barn, and coffee shop. I was wondering how this was going to go...my fiance and I don't really "love" on each other in public or take things "seriously". Needless to say...I think we did OK...or at least I hope so. We had little Luna in the pictures too since she's part of our family. She basically passed out the second half of the session so we were able to do pictures at the coffee shop without having to worry about her.

I was debating on taking off my implant for the pictures. It's huge and I'm not used to having it. I don't exactly like to show that I'm deaf but sometimes I can't get away from it. My photographer really touched me today when she said she was inspired and that I should just show it off. Sometimes that's all I need to make things ok.

As far as my implant goes...I just had a mapping done on Tuesday. Fun stuff. I had to go and do a mini hearing exam to let the audiologist know what needed to be adjusted. Apparently I was hearing way too much in the low frequency range, but hardly anything in the high frequency range so it was almost like wearing a hearing aid. The audiologist decided to shift the mapping so I can hear more in the high frequency range and less in the low frequency. I'm amazed how much better it sounds. My voice sounds back to normal and it even gives me the ability to focus on my speech some more. I'm starting to pick up more sounds again but I'm far from where I want to be. The audiologist explained to me that my twitching was coming from the high frequency area where I may not have developed nerves or that those specific nerves were damaged from the kind of progressive hearing loss that I have. He was able to cut out a couple of electrodes so now I'm not dealing with the twitching as much anymore.

This year has been full of ups and downs. I feel like no matter what path I could go down as a deaf person, things never become easy. I think my parents chose the right path for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just hard because now that I've relied on an interpreter the whole year, I realized how much my whole world has changed. I've missed out on all the little details in life, such as the little things people say to each other or the outburst of laughter in the classroom from some random remark. I've spent 25 years only getting bits and pieces of conversation and it's so hard to explain to someone who can hear what that's like to miss out on so much. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to scream to relieve the frustration.

Part of all that makes my personality the way it is. I sometimes think I'm the most uninteresting person on the planet because I didn't grow up listening to conversations or have the ability to learn about what's going on in everyone else's lives. I come across shy for that reason since I spend so much of my day trying to piece together sentences. I know I'm not shy on the inside...I know that I could talk for hours because I have so much to say and yet I can't get it out. I only have a  few people that I am able to do that with.  I wish that there were more people who felt comfortable talking to a deaf person. I need patience to be able to develop a friendship instead of simply being that person everyone says Hi or Bye to in order to acknowledge I'm there. I want others to get to know the real me and see that I'm honestly no different on the inside. Whenever I start a new program, join a team, etc... I always tell myself that things will change. I try hard to fit in and talk with others, but it gets to a point where it's too hard to keep up with everyone else and then they all establish their own group of friends. I don't know what goes on in their lives anymore and then I'm back to square one. I hate small talk and I never seem to get away from it.

I guess I've been feeling kind of lonely especially since I'm not around other people like myself. It's sad that everyday I look forward to having an interpreter around because someone becomes my ears and all the sounds, laughter, and annoyances come back to me. I feel like I exist when everything is tied together and yet when my interpreter leaves, it all falls apart only until next time. My fiance is very easy for me to understand and have conversations with. It's part of why he is my fiance. I feel like myself when I'm with him and he has the patience to understand me as a person. Ever since the first day I met him, we have never had a dull moment. However he can't always interpret everything for  me either. If I had an interpreter glued to me, that would be a miracle. So I have to accept the things I can't change, which is hard to do. I want a positive life so I need to enjoy what I can and not dwell on the things I can't. I just wish that I didn't know the difference.

Alright enough of the emotional stuff....Time to finish my wine and study.... and yes in that order.

It's Fall....with a pinch of crazy.

 I can't believe it's already October! I'm halfway done with my Med/Surg clinical rotation. Only 11 more weeks of school (shocking!) The last few weeks I've been dealing with pneumonia and trying to get everything ready for Luna's arrival so I apologize for the late blog.

Luna has certainly grown before our eyes. Picking her up at the airport was fun. However, she came to us in a crate and she welcomed us smelling of poop. I had to take her out and drag her to the bathroom to wash her off before I could put  her down to play. She immediately took to me and for the first two days and refused to leave my side. By the 3rd day she seemed to open up to my fiance and everyone else around her. She certainly is a sweet dog and calm for the most part. We've worked on 5 tricks with her and she's picking it up pretty quickly but house training is going to take awhile. The weather is dropping quickly and she's learning she'd rather go inside the house than to deal with the cold
                                                               weather outside.

 I think she's the right pinch of crazy I needed in my life right now even though it's a change to have a puppy in the house. I love having a dog to take care of and watch all the crazy things they do. It just generates more laughter in the house.












Luna met  her best friend who lives down the street. He's a puppy too and they love fighting over toys and playing hide and seek. I look forward to watching them grow together :)

I have new implant updates, which I'll blog about on Friday so keep on the lookout :)

Waiting on the World to Change

It's been a little while since I've written.... 3rd semester of nursing school has been a bit rough. Sleep is the number one thing I'm lacking and my immune system is not exactly in tune.

My brand new implant stopped working after 4 days of being turned on....Ridiculous..... it's the kind of thing that would only happen to a Murphy.  I waited another 4 days to get a loan implant processor while my doctor works on programming the extra one that I have. It's been a set back for me. I feel like the new programs that I've been given are not the best as far as sound quality compared to how it sounded a week before.Everything sounds like it's from a distance, underwater, a broken record, and more computerized.....that is what I was originally expecting. I want my old programs back...twitchy and all.

I feel like I've been a little more down lately now that I'm able to hear again. It's not that I don't want to hear, but I'm reminded of how much I'm missing. I'm back to being stuck being two worlds and sometimes I just want to be out of it, even just for an hour.  I think maybe I was expecting a whole new world with this implant.... maybe I'd have the chance to start new and talk with people again in a new way. Be able to communicate with people the way I've always wished that I could. The things I've struggled with my whole life... I don't think will ever change and that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting to see what this implant will make easier for me in my life. I'm waiting for my world to change. Right now, I think I'm still benefiting from my implant as much from it as I did with my hearing aid right before surgery. I still can't understand the noise I'm hearing, still can't talk on the phone, still can't drive through a drive thru (which has never been deaf friendly in the first place). I know it will take time to really get things settled and learn the things I'm hearing all the time. It's hard because it's distracting and annoying to listen to when I have no clue what it is. I tend to  make up what I think I'm hearing so I can move on with my day.

I had a conversation with someone I admire today and now I'm inspired to write a book. I've been wanting to write a book for as long as I can remember but my grammar isn't exactly great so I never found the will to  follow through with it.  I started one a few years ago and lost all my work when my computer crashed. It wasn't long, but I didn't have much to say at that point so I decided to wait till I had more to share. Maybe after nursing school when my life is more "normal" I will find the time to write. I've already generated an idea to base it off of but it's a matter of putting pen to paper.....or more like fingers to a keyboard......Technology this days..... don't get me started.

Till next time....

Adjusting

Last weekend I went out and bought Luna a bed and a few toys. I can't wait for her arrival...it feels like forever away, but it's not. 3 weeks....3 long weeks.

This week has been interesting trying to adjust to the cochlear implant. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin half the time people talk to me. It's so loud and I hear everything, even if I'm not sure what it is. I've noticed that my implant doesn't like to give me the "I" sounds...instead it sounds like "E's"...for example...

Principle sounds like Preenseeble.
Sterile sounds like Steeeerile
Remember sounds like Wee-member
Pillow sounds like Peeelow
Christina sounds like Creestina

Right now those kinds of words are annoying for me to listen to but I'm hoping that if I listen to it more and more it'll eventually sounds like it should. I've considered myself lucky to understand this much already and surprisingly I had my first phone call a few days ago. I still need a lot of work but it was nice to be able to speak for myself. 

After I turned my implant on I realized that I hate listening to myself talk. It's sounds so different still and I don't even comprehend that it's me speaking half the time. However, what's really weird is that I don't mind hearing myself sing. Maybe blending tones is easier on my ears than having to take electrical impulses for every word I hear. I still experience twitching on a daily basis, but I'm learning that the lower I have the volume, the less I twitch.

I'm tempted to take piano lessons. I love that I can hear the different keys on different instruments. I think it would be fun to learn to play and get back into music.

Well I've managed to successfully sit on a couch for an entire weekend. Guess I should get up, stretch, then sit back down and to prepare for a busy week of patient preps for clinical, papers, and study for the upcoming exam. This is why I need a dog....I need something to force me to move around more and get exercise for once.

Twitchy New Life

My dad told me "Here's to a new life".... I said "Here's to a twitchy new life"

Let me explain.... This morning for my implant mapping, I sat in a room with my parents and fiance each holding their own camera or phone trying to record my reaction (not that there was one unfortunately). The doctor spent an hour programming 3 programs for me. I can't really explain how it all works, but I know I have 3 programs. They all work a little differently. He can set 100 different programs, but the implant can only have 3. He was trying to set the first program and the first sounds I heard were chimes...instead of voices I heard chimes and all I thought was "My brain has to interpret chimes??? huh??? How is that possible??" Well I realized that everything seems to chime like wind chimes until I figure out that I'm hearing.  The noise I know I'm hearing becomes the noise it should be and the chimes go away. I still hear chimes and until I figure out what I'm hearing, it's going to be a part of my every day life.

The first program was set to figure out how loud to set the volume and make it comfortable for me. The second one was more standard, but I noticed my eye was twitching. I kept thinking that maybe I was just really tired or something. The doctor went on to set the 3rd program and 2 seconds later the whole left side of my face started twitching like I had a stroke or something. It would twitch at every word he said because the electrical impulses were much stronger. The look I gave my doctor was "hmmm no... this is not going to happen". I don't think I need to be scaring my patients on a daily basis. The doctor switched it back to a better program...however my eye still twitches occasionally when the impulses are sent. My cheek and lip also twitches especially if it's louder than I'm used to. I manually turned the volume down to level 1 and used the loudest program so I can benefit from hearing more. It seems like the twitching decreased, but if my classmates laugh or if everyone starts clapping, the left side of my face is twitching in response.

Unfortunately...it may never go away....so here's to a twitchy new life. 

I'm amazed at how much I hear now... it's far from sounding "normal", but today I managed to pick up on raindrops, the vending machine sucking my dollar, sounds of cars passing by, window wipers, keys jingling, and the clicking of keyboards. I also heard voices....my dad's laugh sounds exactly the same as I've always heard it, my mom's voice sounds familiar when she calls my name....but my voice sounds like a complete strangers. I feel like every time I start talking I want to jump. I'm startled by how different it is. Most of the voices I heard today sounded relatively normal and not robotic as most people would say. It takes time to get used to it, but if I focus I can understand. My fiance tried talking to me through a wooden door and I was able to understand him. At the 11th hour I was sitting 2nd to last row in an auditorium for a convocation without an interpreter and I could hear words like passion, success, believe, nurse, goal....Little words like that came easy to me. I felt like it wasn't a huge struggle. 

I came home from class today and tried to listen to my stethoscope for the first time and it sounded the same as with a hearing aid but it was so much clearer and louder than it's ever been for me. So now my confidence should increase when I do patient assessments. 

My favorite part of today is right this minute..... I'm listening to music as I type this blog.... OMG It sounds soooo AMAZING!!! I can hear all the instruments and the voices are lyrical. I love hearing the drums, the piano, the guitar and everything in between. I don't think I've ever appreciated music this much.

This has been a crazy day, but one I'll never forget. I'm anxious to see how much better it will continue to get and hopefully I will be back to talking on the phone before I know it.

I'm loving this! It was worth the 6 month wait. :) Ok back to reality.... a little thing called homework. Till next time...

The week I needed

This has been a great week! I was able to see a few of my friends and spend time with my family. It was just what I needed in order to have a mental break from school and take my mind off the fact that I can't hear. 
I'm surprised that I only have 4 more days left to go till I'm introduced to a whole way of listening. I envision that my head is going to explode especially if I'm expected to hear more than I've ever heard before. Maybe it won't be so bad, but we'll see....oh the anticipation!

One of my favorite moments of the week was meeting my little Luna. I've been dying to have this dog for forever and honestly it was the first time I ever got to pet a Weimaraner even though I see them all the time. I loved when she started licking my nose after picking her up knowing she was the one I wanted. It felt like I was getting approval from her. I think she's beautiful and I have a feeling she's going to be a little diva :) I should be expecting her to fly to NY to come live with me in a month. I've got to start shopping to prepare for her arrival.

I look forward to Fall. My fiance and I are now living in our first home, we'll be welcoming Luna soon, I'm in my last semester of nursing school and on top of that I look forward to driving through the pretty scenery and enjoying all the fall foods. I think my stress level will be a lot better now compared to how it's been all year. I'm happy to be in this place of my life and I think from here on out, it'll continue to get better.

Well time to catch my plane! Till next time....

Ear personality

I officially think my ear has it's own personality....I feel like I'm dealing with a 2 year old who has an ongoing temper tantrum. It seems like anytime I have to get up really early in the morning or get off my couch to wash dishes or do something productive,  it screams at me. The ringing I'm hearing is ear-piercing at times, but it sounds more like a yell than a ring. I guess it's helpful to prepare me for motherhood or something. I will have my implant turned on a week from Tuesday so maybe the yelling will stop (I really hope it does!). I'm still enjoying this silence otherwise.

I've made it an effort to practice more sign language and it's been easier to focus on when I don't have anything distracting me. Someday I will become fluent, it's a goal of mine.

I'm currently back in my hometown for almost a week. I've been so busy trying to finish up the last part of the semester and now that I'm off, my brain can stop frying. I think it's a little overcooked.

I went to the Cowboy's game last night with my dad...it was fun to see the new cheerleaders at their first game. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday and I can't help but miss it. Everyone always ask me if I'll dance again.... if my body wasn't so old on the inside I would still try to find the opportunity to. I just say that I'm retired.

This week I plan to relax as much as I can and see a couple friends. My mom and I will try to start looking at venues and maybe....just maybe I can have a wedding date set :) I've managed to start looking at wedding dresses in a magazine and I'm getting a little more excited each day. I'm clueless about wedding stuff so it'll be a learning opportunity for me.

I found out yesterday that I will get to meet my puppy, Luna, on Tuesday. She's only 4 weeks old so I have to wait another 4 weeks before she will be sent to NY to be with me :) I was going to wait till December to get her, but there is no promise that a litter will be available at that time. I think it's better to have her sooner anyways because it'll be nice to train her to go to the bathroom outside before all the snow hits. Plus I look forward to going home from school or clinical everyday and having someone greet me like they haven't seen me in 20 years. That's the best thing about having a dog...no matter how good or bad your day goes, they are always  happy to see you.

Well I'm off to get started for the day, meaning my ear is going to start yelling in 5....4......3.......2.......1..........