The week I needed

This has been a great week! I was able to see a few of my friends and spend time with my family. It was just what I needed in order to have a mental break from school and take my mind off the fact that I can't hear. 
I'm surprised that I only have 4 more days left to go till I'm introduced to a whole way of listening. I envision that my head is going to explode especially if I'm expected to hear more than I've ever heard before. Maybe it won't be so bad, but we'll see....oh the anticipation!

One of my favorite moments of the week was meeting my little Luna. I've been dying to have this dog for forever and honestly it was the first time I ever got to pet a Weimaraner even though I see them all the time. I loved when she started licking my nose after picking her up knowing she was the one I wanted. It felt like I was getting approval from her. I think she's beautiful and I have a feeling she's going to be a little diva :) I should be expecting her to fly to NY to come live with me in a month. I've got to start shopping to prepare for her arrival.

I look forward to Fall. My fiance and I are now living in our first home, we'll be welcoming Luna soon, I'm in my last semester of nursing school and on top of that I look forward to driving through the pretty scenery and enjoying all the fall foods. I think my stress level will be a lot better now compared to how it's been all year. I'm happy to be in this place of my life and I think from here on out, it'll continue to get better.

Well time to catch my plane! Till next time....

Ear personality

I officially think my ear has it's own personality....I feel like I'm dealing with a 2 year old who has an ongoing temper tantrum. It seems like anytime I have to get up really early in the morning or get off my couch to wash dishes or do something productive,  it screams at me. The ringing I'm hearing is ear-piercing at times, but it sounds more like a yell than a ring. I guess it's helpful to prepare me for motherhood or something. I will have my implant turned on a week from Tuesday so maybe the yelling will stop (I really hope it does!). I'm still enjoying this silence otherwise.

I've made it an effort to practice more sign language and it's been easier to focus on when I don't have anything distracting me. Someday I will become fluent, it's a goal of mine.

I'm currently back in my hometown for almost a week. I've been so busy trying to finish up the last part of the semester and now that I'm off, my brain can stop frying. I think it's a little overcooked.

I went to the Cowboy's game last night with my dad...it was fun to see the new cheerleaders at their first game. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday and I can't help but miss it. Everyone always ask me if I'll dance again.... if my body wasn't so old on the inside I would still try to find the opportunity to. I just say that I'm retired.

This week I plan to relax as much as I can and see a couple friends. My mom and I will try to start looking at venues and maybe....just maybe I can have a wedding date set :) I've managed to start looking at wedding dresses in a magazine and I'm getting a little more excited each day. I'm clueless about wedding stuff so it'll be a learning opportunity for me.

I found out yesterday that I will get to meet my puppy, Luna, on Tuesday. She's only 4 weeks old so I have to wait another 4 weeks before she will be sent to NY to be with me :) I was going to wait till December to get her, but there is no promise that a litter will be available at that time. I think it's better to have her sooner anyways because it'll be nice to train her to go to the bathroom outside before all the snow hits. Plus I look forward to going home from school or clinical everyday and having someone greet me like they haven't seen me in 20 years. That's the best thing about having a dog...no matter how good or bad your day goes, they are always  happy to see you.

Well I'm off to get started for the day, meaning my ear is going to start yelling in 5....4......3.......2.......1..........

LOVE

Last year I wrote a poem out of boredom, it turned out to be one of my favorites. It reminds me of my story with my fiance and taking a chance to be with him.....if I didn't speak up, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Can't you tell I'm ready for Fall???

  LOVE

When I try to describe love, I think about the beauty of autumn…it just takes your breath away. The vibrant

 reds and oranges of the trees are like the fire in your heart, open, vulnerable, lashing out into the world 

before winter casts its shadow. Love is standing out and taking a chance…reaching for every opportunity to 

hold onto its flame. The cold, crisp autumn morning air is followed by the smell of ripening apples that leave 

you longing for more…holding on to each precious moment. It represents the peacefulness, desire, and 

strength of bearing what lies ahead knowing that through the good and bad that flame is still there waiting 

underneath it all. Spring bears its bloom as a reminder. 

When I forget I'm deaf....

So I've been having deaf amnesia lately....

Last night after a long clinical shift I decided to roll down my windows for the ride home to keep me awake. It's 11:30 and I'm belting out Adele songs....keep in mind, I can't hear myself or anything around me.
I pull up to my new village, this car next to me also has the windows down and I didn't think twice that other people can hear me so I kept singing and getting louder I'm sure..... I looked over and the guy was staring at me laughing and displaying "rock on" hands. I was MORTIFIED!! Next time I'll be sure my windows are up!

If that did not remind me of the fact that I can't hear, this morning was even worse....

I got up and wanted another apple cider from Tim Horton's so I decided to drive over and get one.  I pulled into the drive thru and sat there waiting for someone to ask me what I wanted to order for a good 5 minutes. I started yelling at the screen...ANYONE THERE?????? HELLOOO???? To my dismay I was like....duh.... I can't hear. So I pulled up to the window beat red in the face and was like.... :/ I'm sorry....all I wanted was an apple cider... and I just took off.

So if that doesn't remind me that I can't hear....I wonder what I'm going to do next.

Frankenstein

If only it were Halloween..... I'd totally go all out and be Frankenstein. My lovely scar and how I feel would be the ultimate costume!

I feel much more awake today though so I figured I'd blog about it :)

My surgery went well even though I stayed at the hospital a little longer than I had hoped. I'm not in excruciating pain nor am I extremely dizzy so I'm doing much better than I expected. I actually went to school on Monday and took an exam (which I don't even recall doing at this point) and I passed it. Whew.

Only 2.5 more weeks till the end of my 2nd semester of nursing school. Only one more to go....Amazing. I have a total of 9 more papers to write till my break so my hands are going to be glued to my keyboard for awhile.

I have to say I miss my hearing aid. I told it to rest in peace, but each morning I wake up and find myself reaching for something that's not even there. It's getting a little too quiet at times, but I'm actually enjoying the silence mainly because I know it's only temporary. I love being in the car with the window down, the wind on my face, and the world being peaceful. It's so relaxing! I need to take advantage of it.

Lots of positive things going on this week (even though I'm trying to recover and stop walking like an intoxicated person)..... I'm moving into a new house with my fiance on Saturday and I can not wait to start this new journey with him! My mom has been in town helping me out and it's been nice having her around. Sometimes you just need to see your mom! I'm still waiting to hear if I can go home to Texas for my break. It will depend if I'm allowed to fly with all the air-pressure. It would be nice to go home and see more of my family and my friends too. I also need to get a wedding date and place as well.

Alright I'm about to crash again. Till next time....

-Anita Vay Kation

Crossroads

Well it's been an interesting couple of days.... I've been trying to get as many papers as I can done before my surgery this Friday and I just got 2 more thrown on me Saturday night. I calculated a total of 13 papers to do in 4.5 weeks. It feels so cruel. I love nursing,  but I'm not the biggest fan of nursing school. I have moments that I like and moments I wish never occurred. I think my school has a great program, but there is no room for "life", "mistakes", "relationships" etc etc etc..... it's hard to push through an entire year when all your weekends and days off are full of homework. I probably can count the number of days on one hand that I didn't do some form of work from January to now. I shouldn't complain because I'm done in one year. Sometimes I just wish that if "life" happened, I wouldn't be punished for it. 

I know I asked myself everyday....Is it worth killing yourself to do something you love or is it better to settle for something less.....95% of the time my answer is the former. Of course I'd rather have a job that I love and gives me purpose than a job I hate and be miserable. 

I've always been one to push through things that people tell me I can't do, not because I want to get back at them, but because if it's truly something I love, I'm not going to let people walk over me and tell me I can't. 

I've had some issues with nursing school and my deafness. My goal was to never make it an issue. I wish I could say that it's been an amazing year. I really did look forward to all the challenges and being in a place I thought I'd never be. Until people understand the needs of hard of hearing students or any disability for that matter....it's not my recommendation to go through something that extreme. I would recommend people with disabilities to become nurses because I think they see the world a little bit differently and have a different perspective when it comes to caring. It's choosing the right place, the right program, the right length of time to make that happen and they have to be willing to let "life" happen if it must and be willing to work around that. 

This year is the first year I've truly used an interpreter in class and in clinical for me. It's been almost life changing in it's own way. I am one stubborn person and will refuse to use microphones, notes, captioned print services, interpreters, etc etc etc.... It took all of me to accept having an interpreter in nursing school because I hate feeling different. However, I think my interpreters have been my life-savers...especially one in particular. When I lost my hearing back in March the only time I could really communicate with anyone was with an interpreter....I'm talking "normal conversation" without stress and slowed paced speech,  so everyday I looked forward to having an interpreter around to feel whole again. I felt like it became a part of me and now I know that I have better, I don't want to go back to being without one. 

I learned that sometimes it's ok to ask for help. I don't need to be stubborn because that help can reduce the stress I put on myself that make my life that much harder. I consider myself lucky and honored to have the resources that I do. 

I'm 2.5 days till goodbye....my crossroad is here. Part of me wants to leave my crappy year behind and start fresh with the implant. I know that it'll be ok...my month of silence should do me some good to rethink everything...to let my inner voice yell, scream, sing, and be the only voice I hear for awhile. My favorite thing to do to make things "fun" for me....is to put voices to the people who are talking to me...to take a wild guess and be completely wrong. I'll do british accents, daffy duck, elton john, you name it... 

I always wonder that if I chose a different path, where would I be today?? I don't think I'd be with the love of my life. He's been through everything with me and he makes my awful year worth it. I know he probably doesn't know how much I appreciate it because I'm not around enough to show it. Would I have chosen a different path if I had the choice to go down an easy road instead of this one....no, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. 

6 Days till Goodbye

I found out yesterday that I misread an e-mail from my OR scheduler. We had originally been talking about a Sept 6 surgery date that I refused to do and then immediately she wrote back and said we have an 8/3/12 opening. I read that as a Sept 3 surgery and I blame nursing school for my misinterpretation. My worn out brain can't function like it used to anymore.

Yesterday I received another email saying we are going to schedule to turn on your implant on Sept 4. That made no sense to me because you have to wait 4-6 weeks to turn it on. Then I wrote back and ask her to clarify all the dates scheduled. That's when I realized it was August 3rd, not September 3rd. That makes a world of a difference.

I'm excited, but I'm not at the same time. I'm excited to see what I can get out of this implant, but I'm not excited to have to learn every single sound I've ever heard all over again. I'm afraid I'm not going to like it.

I had it in my mind that I was going to spend the next month listening to all the songs I enjoy one last time, going home and spending time with my family and friends and listen to their voices one last time. I know that when I get this implant, my world will never sound the same. The voices I grew up listening to will sound like a complete stranger, even my own. It will take a couple years for me not to realize it anymore, but I wish it was immediate.

So while I need this surgery to get better outcomes, I'm still hesitant to let go. I get 6 days to say goodbye and then I enter a month of silence. I will try to make the best of it and be thankful that there is something that can potentially give me more hearing than I've ever heard in my life.