Stop to Smell the Flowers

It's been long due for a blog entry, but time is my enemy. Being a mom has been an amazing journey and one I will always be thankful for. I enjoy the simplest things now and I love watching my daughter grow. I can't believe I created someone this beautiful. That red hair and blue eyes never cease to baffle me every time I look at her. I didn't even think it was possible to have a baby with her coloring, but she's got the Irish in her for sure :)

She has definitely turned my life around and it's crazy how much I see things differently and want even more for myself to better my life and to give her every opportunity I can. 

Still to this day people ask me why I quit dancing or why I left DCC. So I'm here to speak my truth and make sense of it all.... 

I didn't discover dancing until I was 15 and because I fell in love with it I pretty much killed myself trying to build up those years of dance I missed growing up all at once. In the end it caused my body to age quicker on the inside so I was already falling apart before too long. 

When I tried out for Rangerettes I was ecstatic that I made the team but it didn't take long for me to enter survival mode. As much as I loved dancing it became a point of just surviving the things I really wanted to do. My experience wasn't what I had envisioned it to be. 

As a deaf person with no interpreter and living with 70 girls, it was hard for me to know what all was going on and stay with the trend of things. I spent my time making sure I could get through school, which was another challenge in itself. I had to play the music we did our dances to a million times so I could learn the beats and make sure I wouldn't be behind on the field or on the stage. It took up a lot of my time and it was exhausting.... things like having fun and getting to know the girls and building a long lasting friendship was something I felt that I could never do.. that I didn't have time for on top of doing what I could to "survive" Rangerettes. 

I injured my foot during practice for Revels as a freshman. We were Robots, but it was my own fault that I didn't speak up when I absolutely needed to. I was deathly afraid of getting in trouble .. but now I wish I hadn't been. I wore my Pointe shoes for too long during one of the practices and ended up developing a nerve tumor. I spent the next 2 years in excruciating pain. I didn't have time for surgery as simple as it was. I kept pushing though and dancing on what felt like a sharp rock that was attached to my foot. 

I ended up losing weight from the stress of everything and not having time for myself. I kept wanting to challenge myself and move forward with dancing because even though it all... dancing was what I loved the most and I could go on for hours. 

I tried out for DCC with an injured foot and ended up with a herniated disc by the middle of training camp. Again... I never knew when to slow down and take it easy. The pain I had been dealing with only got 10 times worse. It was an electrical kind of pain that ran up and down my leg on top of the sharp rock pain that I had to deal with every time I put my foot down. I didn't care... I wanted to go through DCC so badly that I simply didn't care. It took a toll on me. I again went into survival mode the whole year... I didn't want to get kicked off so all my time went towards playing music... running extra miles since my weight was hard to manage.. going to school and working all at the same time. I never got to experience what it was like to hang out with my own teammates and build the friendships I wanted to build. To this day I regret that. I needed to learn balance...I needed to know what was really more important to me in the long run. Now I missed my chance... with both teams. It all wasn't bad honestly... I still enjoyed my time but it could have been so much more enjoyable. 

I left dancing because I had finally reached my point of simply surviving and I wanted to start living.  I couldn't keep my weight down from what my body weight naturally likes to be.. I couldn't handle the pain, I couldn't keep killing myself and face more injuries. I left because living was more important than dying to do what I loved. 

However the very last game I got to cheer at was the most bittersweet time for me. I finally had the surgery for my foot and ended up going to playoffs. It was the only game that I had my weight under control, that I was happy as a clam, and I danced without any pain. Of course we lost the game and everyone was crying. I knew it was my last game... I knew I was going to retire from dancing but I couldn't stop from smiling that day. It was a perfect ending to those 3 years. 

Now that I have gone through college and I reached this phase of my life. I want so much more... I want to continue building friendships. I want people to see that I'm fun and that I'm not as quiet as I've made myself out to be. I want what I've been missing.  

That's why I'm still on this road to change... I'm not done trying to accomplish the one thing that I have wanted for so long...to have the ability to build everlasting friendships with people who are always positive and have so much to offer one another. I want people to get to know me. I want to enjoy my life with others. I want more laughter and love.  I am so thankful for the friends I currently have...the ones who understand my life and have had the patience to get to know me. I feel so lucky to have true friends who have stuck with me through everything. I hope I can reconnect with some people I haven't seen in awhile. At least it's a starting point towards a more positive and fun-filled life not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

Beautiful Creation

Adelynn Brielle Murphy

Due Date: January 25, 2014







I'm almost halfway done with my pregnancy and I've already discovered a new kind of love... a mother's love for her child.


I never thought I would be one to experience pregnancy this year, but I'm starting to realize how much my little girl is going to bring a whole new light to my life.

It's fun to see that a lot of my friends are pregnant as well and experiencing the same kind of joy. I can't wait to see all these new babies and potential playmates in the future.

Adelynn is one stubborn kid and I have no control over what she does right now. She makes every ultrasound and every heart beat check a long lasting event. We've been through so much already and I'm just glad she's still hanging on through it all. She's my beautiful creation and I can't wait to meet her. I can only hope that I'll be as good of a mom as my mom has been for me. Going through all of this only makes me appreciate my mom so much more.

Other than my pregnancy, not a lot else has been going on. I'm still working days and overnights at my job, which is still hard to get used to but it gets easier over time. I'm actually thinking about maybe going back to school in 5-6 years to become a neonatal nurse practitioner. I never thought I'd say that but considering that I want to eventually end up at a private office, being a nurse practitioner will make that goal a little easier to reach.

I went home to Texas last week for the first time in 8 months and I had a blast! There's never enough time to spend with friends and family. One of my favorite moments was going to the Ranger game with my dad, just me and him. I hardly ever get to spend alone time with him and when I do I cherish it and hold on to those memories. The more I'm around my parents these days, the more I can see that I have my mother's heart and my dad's soul. I feel extremely lucky to have my parents and I'm thrilled that my daughter will have amazing grandparents, including my stepmom in her life.

Well fall is around the corner and the trees are starting to change colors.... can't wait for the pumpkin spice, the fall boots, leggings, cool weather, pumpkin carving, and apple picking loads of fun! :)

Tranquility

Tranquility is what I need in my life right now and I feel like it's a thousand miles away. Just when things become less chaotic, it all comes flooding back. I always wonder if I'm ever going to get there.

Sometimes all I want is to find a quiet spot, near a body of water with absolutely no one around but myself and a good book. A place where I can hear myself think without all the mumbling and sounds that I surround myself with everyday. It's exhausting to keep up with the amount of focus I have to put out there in order to converse with people whether in or out of work. I want a day off without worry, stress, or an agenda. I want to feel the sunshine, close my eyes and breathe.

I might get the opportunity to do just that next month if I can work out a plan. It'll be something to look forward to and one I will embrace. I think for most people, it's always good to step out of their daily lives and breathe a different kind of fresh air, one that cleanses the soul.

More on the topic of love: I still think I'm looking for something that feels so rare, yet worth waiting for. There are so many definitions to love, but I'd like to add another saying....

You know love when you find a piece of yourself in someone else.

That's all for today :) I hope everyone has been enjoying the summer months.

Lost in Translation

 I know it's been over a month since I last posted a blog.... So much has happened, both good and bad and I've had to step back and reevaluate some things.

After overcoming some hurdles, I now feel at a better place with everything. I realize that things really do happen for a reason even if in the middle of those rough times you can't see it. Sometimes enduring the bad times can get you to a better place in the end.

Now that my days are easier and more clear I'm finding that I have a different purpose in life and it's one I was oblivious to in the beginning.  I've certainly found happiness on a much deeper level and I think it'll continue to stay that way.

On another note, lately I've been feeling a little lost in translation. People see that I have a cochlear implant and know that I do well with it, but they assume I can hear everything perfectly when I can't. To me the implant is still a work in progress as I'm still learning new sounds and hearing better everyday. However, it doesn't mean I'll ever reach the level of a hearing person. It's hard in social gatherings when everyone is talking. I don't think people understand how much I'm missing and therefore I'm typically quieter because I have no idea what's going on. I can handle it for a little while but sometimes it becomes frustrating because people just assume I'm always going to be a quiet person when what I really want is to talk and get to know everyone. It's hard knowing where to jump in. This is one of the reasons I miss dancing..... It gave me something to speak freely about with my body and made me feel like I was part of something where people couldn't see the difference. It gave me the chance to be as loud or as quiet as I wanted to be and I wasn't afraid to show it. I wish my body wasn't so old on the inside and that I was able to carry on dancing forever. Can't always have everything you wish for... Just saying....

The Color of Rain

One of the small things in life that I love is blue eyes. I feel like I can lose myself in them...especially the kind of blue that the color of rain wishes it could be.

I've always had this perpetual desire to be with someone who has blue eyes. These days I figured it's too much to ask for, it's too shallow, so I did compensate by getting myself a blue-eyed Weimaraner as a companion.

Let's just say she's lucky to have those icy blue eyes because with all the trouble she's caused lately, it's hard for me to get mad at her for it.

I've had a lot of time to myself lately to think about what I want. I know that I have to put aside a lot of high expectations and simply stay open-minded about people and what they have to offer. Looks have never truly mattered to me, but if they have certain attributes that I like, it's always an extra blessing. Most of the time I find that I love imperfection more than anything. I think it makes people more human, more real, and more unique.

On the topic of rain, I feel like I'm at a certain peace with myself in this point of my life. I can finally breathe. Work has been busy and yet fun. I love what I get to do on a daily basis. I love feeling like someone trusts me to care for them and it makes me think that I have a purpose in this world. It's one of those moments I've been waiting for forever.

I hope at this point with the job in place, I can slowly pick up the pieces of the life I've imagine for myself....shouldn't be anything too unrealistic.

"There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down."
Don Delillo

Love is Impervious to Logic

This has been quite a week. Started working, had Valentine's day and my birthday all in one week.
It's been a great week too and I've had more time to relax than I did going to school. I can certainly get used to working and being able to come home and have a life. I feel a little more complete.

One thing I learned last week was that I'm hearing even more than I thought I was. My hearing has increased and I hope it still continues to climb as I've only had my implant for 6 months. I'm starting to think this implant is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I never thought I'd hear this much in my life. It's truly amazing. I'm able to talk on the phone again and I'm hearing video recordings in class without needing interpreters or captions. The only thing is... I'm still twitching on a daily basis and my implant falls off my thick head of hair quite often. I realized that the twitching comes from a certain pitch that the nerves in my ears can't stand.  The sound of running water has that particular pitch that makes me feel like my ear is being electrocuted, it's the strangest thing. You can imagine how often I hear running water every day especially since I'm working in a hospital where we have to wash our hands frequently. It's my number one annoyance right now.

Anyways, while January was a rough month, February is definitely looking up. Valentine's day made me think about Love. I've had more time to myself lately and I'm still trying to figure out the logic of it all. I've come to the conclusion...

Love is impervious to logic.

Love is not something you can truly explain. There is no equation or materialistic thing you can go searching for, it just happens and it's powerful.

Everyone defines love in their own way, everyone's view of love is different. It's a matter of finding that kind of love where it's exactly how you pictured it. That is what I'm looking for.... I can't sit around and let it find me or spend all my time trying to find it. It's a balance between 2 people searching for the same thing that will bring them together. I like to think I'm one day closer to finding it than I was yesterday.

The future is unwritten, so write it well...

 It's been a long time since I've posted a blog, but then again life has been nothing but hectic. School was wrapping up, graduation occurred, holidays came and went, ended up making some major changes, took the boards and passed it, got a job and now I'm enjoying my last 3 days before I start work.

I've been living by a couple quotes since the new year started...

"You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have."


And...

"Good things come to those who wait."  

As some people may not know.. I left my fiance earlier this year... I'm not here to share the details. He is a great guy but I felt that it wasn't meant to be for the two of us.

My biggest goal in life is to have a family, to have 2-3 kids, and to make a difference. I feel like it's one of the most challenging goals I can set for myself. I want to make sure I'm with the right person before settling down with someone I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. 

It's hard not to feel pressured to settle especially since I'm getting closer to 30 every day. Good things come to those wait is something I firmly believe in. I want to find the kind of love where you can't even explain it, the kind of love where you just know, the kind of love where you stick together through thick and thin. This is the kind of love I rarely get to see, but when it's there, it's obvious to everyone around them. That is the kind of love I'm searching for and I don't care how long it takes me. 

Right now I'm taking the time to search a little deeper into myself, start a new life, make new friends and figure out what truly makes me happy.

It's hard to make drastic changes. I need time for myself. It's something I haven't had the chance to do since I've been so wrapped up in school for the last 7 years. I think it's important to take a break gain a clear perspective before charging forward once again. 

I look forward to this new phase as I'm still mending from the things I left, the people I had to hurt, and the comfort of knowing what my future was going to be like. 

The picture that says the future is unwritten, so write it well.... I hope that I make better choices, smile more, laugh more, love more, and take the time to really think about everything in general. There's no rush especially because one road can make your life totally different from another road you could have taken. I don't want to have regrets or just simply settle because it's expected of me. 

2013 has been a rough year so far, but that doesn't mean the rest has to be....