Attraversiamo

I can't believe it's been a year since my last post. It's been a long year, yet short in retrospective. Adelynn has grown and flourished before my eyes and I love how spunky and feisty she can be. I love her independent nature. I can't wait to watch all the changes she's going to make through this upcoming year as she turns 2 and starts talking away. I can't wait to hear her say I love you for the first time and I hope that's the same I love you I will hear on the day that I die. I love how much she's changed my life for the better and she's given me a reason to breathe, laugh, and love.

I'm so thankful to finally be working at my dream job. It's been almost 7 months since I've started and it's still one of the hardest thing I've ever done. To this day I've witnessed 123 births in my lifetime…whether thats simply observing, helping to deliver, delivering, or being the baby nurse. I would think I'd have it down to science by now but each delivery is it's own story and the hardest part is being in the unknown. I love being able to get to know my patients now and see all the blood, sweat and tears these women have gone through to carry a child and reach the day where they finally meet them. I love being the one who gets to witness the moment their life changes forever and I never thought I'd be that blessed. I love caring for a patient who has seen this world for all it is and caring for a patient who has yet to see it. Attraversiamo (Let's cross over)…the world is better with you in it.

I have to admit there are days that I feel like running…. wondering if I've taken it too far in challenging myself. Wondering if I can handle the stress, wondering if I'm simply going to break. My whole life has been wrapped around trying to prove to others that I can do what I set my mind to, that I don't need to be told I can't. Now it's not so much proving to others what I can do, it's proving it to myself. That's what really matters. At what point will I stop and breathe? At what point will it be enough? 

I still struggle internally with the happiness that I'm looking for. I have happiness on different levels and Adelynn fills my heart with joy. The happiness that I'm looking for is a sense of belonging. A place where I feel grounded to this Earth. I guess I don't know if I'll ever find it or if I have to learn to deal with the cards I've been given and accept that things may never really change. A sense of belonging for me ties to friendships because to me that's one of the most important things. Different people come into your life for a reason…. to love you, to hurt you, to leave you, to teach you….and it all plays a part in who you are. Part of knowing what they come into your life for is getting to know them personally and that's the step I frequently miss. 

The hardest part about my day is just missing out on conversations, being lost, nodding my head and laughing with everyone else to blend in even though I have no idea what was remotely said. To me it doesn't matter how much I've accomplished, I try to make it seem like things are easy so that I'm not treated differently, but then people don't understand half the battle…. that it literally kills me on the inside to even do half the things that they can. I always wish that it could be easier. I'm always searching for a way. I wish that I could truly get to know people without making it seem like it's extra work on their part. I always want to know what people have to say…no matter how small or stupid it may be. At least I would feel like I existed in that moment of time. At least it would give me a chance to  show that what people have to say matters and if I could join in and give a response it wouldn't leave me feeling empty handed. I want to know people for who they are so badly and not come across like I'm shy and that I don't care. There are so many wonderful people that I'm surrounded by every day and to be able to learn from them and hear their stories would be amazing. It would make me feel whole. It would make me feel grounded. 

On the bright side, I've met a few people who are starting to turn things around for me. One unlikely friend introduced me back into church again and it has been a great experience so far. I've got to learn to let god in my life and let him be in control than to be the one who tries to control his plan for me. Maybe if I just let go, things will fall into place as it should be. 

I just want to say thanks to my best friends and my parents who have remained loyal to me…because of you I know you would never let me fall. There's always a place to call home no matter where I go or what I do.You all are part of my past, present and future….. however I'm done trying to go back and live in the past, expecting things to be the same. I'm starting fresh, letting go of what I'm holding onto and living for what there is today. 

The Part of Me I Never Knew

Do you remember when you went to the fair and rode the tilt-a-whirl with the teacups? Do you remember the blurriness of everything around you, the colors, the faces, the buildings, the sky, and all the things that were meshed together? If you looked at the person riding with you, they never looked more still? Even their laughter seemed to be in slow motion, but if you turned your head away from them, you were lost in the chaos and it was a battle to bring yourself back. You were able to do it.  You realized that person is your center, your sanity, and if you just kept looking at them everything would be ok until it was over.

I lived in the chaos my whole life until the day my daughter was born. I rode that ride spinning without control, constantly looking for a face, simplicity, anything that made things easier. Now she sits on this ride with me and she is so full of life. The sound of her laughter, there’s nothing more beautiful, is what gets me through the day. A day full of trying to put the pieces together to understand the words that are coming out of my patient’s mouth, my co-workers, my friends, my family, and anyone who communicates with me. The different sounds that indicate someone in need, a phone call, a toy beeping, a car honking and the list never ends. I feel like a dog whose ears are always perched with my head tilted to the side straining to hear everything so that I don’t miss what’s important, even though I know I only understand a fraction of what a hearing person hears. There’s no relaxing or tuning things out, but when I hear my sweet little red-headed girl laugh and squeal, it makes my life worth living that much more.  She is my sanity, she reminds me to stop and enjoy what’s happening now rather than worry about what I’m missing. She will have an easier life than I did, she will understand the world around her, she will throw herself into conversations with ease, she will hear some of the most beautiful sounds and the most irritating ones too, she will learn to tune out what needs to be tuned out so she can get through the day, she will be able to set forth her dreams without doubting herself the way I do or have to plan every little thing in order to even make it a possibility. I wish nothing more than for her to enjoy life the way she already does, without the struggles and the constant sense of uncertainty. She will be the part of me I never knew. 

Through my Daughter's Eyes....

 Through my daughter's eyes...

• I want her world to be carefree.

•  I want her to take her time..... explore, feel, touch, and be mesmerized. 

•  I want her to know that time is her friend... there's no reason to rush life away. 

• I want her to know the meaning of giving before getting something in return. 

• I want her smiling, giggling, and laughing because it radiates to other people. 

•  I want her to see people for who they are inside. 

•  I want her to know she's beautiful and that each and everyone is. 

• I want to her to live not by the same mistakes as mine. 

• I want her to find love the way she always dreams it. 

• I want her to know she's loved by so many wonderful people. 

• I want her to find her happiness and never let it go. 

Stop to Smell the Flowers

It's been long due for a blog entry, but time is my enemy. Being a mom has been an amazing journey and one I will always be thankful for. I enjoy the simplest things now and I love watching my daughter grow. I can't believe I created someone this beautiful. That red hair and blue eyes never cease to baffle me every time I look at her. I didn't even think it was possible to have a baby with her coloring, but she's got the Irish in her for sure :)

She has definitely turned my life around and it's crazy how much I see things differently and want even more for myself to better my life and to give her every opportunity I can. 

Still to this day people ask me why I quit dancing or why I left DCC. So I'm here to speak my truth and make sense of it all.... 

I didn't discover dancing until I was 15 and because I fell in love with it I pretty much killed myself trying to build up those years of dance I missed growing up all at once. In the end it caused my body to age quicker on the inside so I was already falling apart before too long. 

When I tried out for Rangerettes I was ecstatic that I made the team but it didn't take long for me to enter survival mode. As much as I loved dancing it became a point of just surviving the things I really wanted to do. My experience wasn't what I had envisioned it to be. 

As a deaf person with no interpreter and living with 70 girls, it was hard for me to know what all was going on and stay with the trend of things. I spent my time making sure I could get through school, which was another challenge in itself. I had to play the music we did our dances to a million times so I could learn the beats and make sure I wouldn't be behind on the field or on the stage. It took up a lot of my time and it was exhausting.... things like having fun and getting to know the girls and building a long lasting friendship was something I felt that I could never do.. that I didn't have time for on top of doing what I could to "survive" Rangerettes. 

I injured my foot during practice for Revels as a freshman. We were Robots, but it was my own fault that I didn't speak up when I absolutely needed to. I was deathly afraid of getting in trouble .. but now I wish I hadn't been. I wore my Pointe shoes for too long during one of the practices and ended up developing a nerve tumor. I spent the next 2 years in excruciating pain. I didn't have time for surgery as simple as it was. I kept pushing though and dancing on what felt like a sharp rock that was attached to my foot. 

I ended up losing weight from the stress of everything and not having time for myself. I kept wanting to challenge myself and move forward with dancing because even though it all... dancing was what I loved the most and I could go on for hours. 

I tried out for DCC with an injured foot and ended up with a herniated disc by the middle of training camp. Again... I never knew when to slow down and take it easy. The pain I had been dealing with only got 10 times worse. It was an electrical kind of pain that ran up and down my leg on top of the sharp rock pain that I had to deal with every time I put my foot down. I didn't care... I wanted to go through DCC so badly that I simply didn't care. It took a toll on me. I again went into survival mode the whole year... I didn't want to get kicked off so all my time went towards playing music... running extra miles since my weight was hard to manage.. going to school and working all at the same time. I never got to experience what it was like to hang out with my own teammates and build the friendships I wanted to build. To this day I regret that. I needed to learn balance...I needed to know what was really more important to me in the long run. Now I missed my chance... with both teams. It all wasn't bad honestly... I still enjoyed my time but it could have been so much more enjoyable. 

I left dancing because I had finally reached my point of simply surviving and I wanted to start living.  I couldn't keep my weight down from what my body weight naturally likes to be.. I couldn't handle the pain, I couldn't keep killing myself and face more injuries. I left because living was more important than dying to do what I loved. 

However the very last game I got to cheer at was the most bittersweet time for me. I finally had the surgery for my foot and ended up going to playoffs. It was the only game that I had my weight under control, that I was happy as a clam, and I danced without any pain. Of course we lost the game and everyone was crying. I knew it was my last game... I knew I was going to retire from dancing but I couldn't stop from smiling that day. It was a perfect ending to those 3 years. 

Now that I have gone through college and I reached this phase of my life. I want so much more... I want to continue building friendships. I want people to see that I'm fun and that I'm not as quiet as I've made myself out to be. I want what I've been missing.  

That's why I'm still on this road to change... I'm not done trying to accomplish the one thing that I have wanted for so long...to have the ability to build everlasting friendships with people who are always positive and have so much to offer one another. I want people to get to know me. I want to enjoy my life with others. I want more laughter and love.  I am so thankful for the friends I currently have...the ones who understand my life and have had the patience to get to know me. I feel so lucky to have true friends who have stuck with me through everything. I hope I can reconnect with some people I haven't seen in awhile. At least it's a starting point towards a more positive and fun-filled life not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

Beautiful Creation

Adelynn Brielle Murphy

Due Date: January 25, 2014







I'm almost halfway done with my pregnancy and I've already discovered a new kind of love... a mother's love for her child.


I never thought I would be one to experience pregnancy this year, but I'm starting to realize how much my little girl is going to bring a whole new light to my life.

It's fun to see that a lot of my friends are pregnant as well and experiencing the same kind of joy. I can't wait to see all these new babies and potential playmates in the future.

Adelynn is one stubborn kid and I have no control over what she does right now. She makes every ultrasound and every heart beat check a long lasting event. We've been through so much already and I'm just glad she's still hanging on through it all. She's my beautiful creation and I can't wait to meet her. I can only hope that I'll be as good of a mom as my mom has been for me. Going through all of this only makes me appreciate my mom so much more.

Other than my pregnancy, not a lot else has been going on. I'm still working days and overnights at my job, which is still hard to get used to but it gets easier over time. I'm actually thinking about maybe going back to school in 5-6 years to become a neonatal nurse practitioner. I never thought I'd say that but considering that I want to eventually end up at a private office, being a nurse practitioner will make that goal a little easier to reach.

I went home to Texas last week for the first time in 8 months and I had a blast! There's never enough time to spend with friends and family. One of my favorite moments was going to the Ranger game with my dad, just me and him. I hardly ever get to spend alone time with him and when I do I cherish it and hold on to those memories. The more I'm around my parents these days, the more I can see that I have my mother's heart and my dad's soul. I feel extremely lucky to have my parents and I'm thrilled that my daughter will have amazing grandparents, including my stepmom in her life.

Well fall is around the corner and the trees are starting to change colors.... can't wait for the pumpkin spice, the fall boots, leggings, cool weather, pumpkin carving, and apple picking loads of fun! :)

Tranquility

Tranquility is what I need in my life right now and I feel like it's a thousand miles away. Just when things become less chaotic, it all comes flooding back. I always wonder if I'm ever going to get there.

Sometimes all I want is to find a quiet spot, near a body of water with absolutely no one around but myself and a good book. A place where I can hear myself think without all the mumbling and sounds that I surround myself with everyday. It's exhausting to keep up with the amount of focus I have to put out there in order to converse with people whether in or out of work. I want a day off without worry, stress, or an agenda. I want to feel the sunshine, close my eyes and breathe.

I might get the opportunity to do just that next month if I can work out a plan. It'll be something to look forward to and one I will embrace. I think for most people, it's always good to step out of their daily lives and breathe a different kind of fresh air, one that cleanses the soul.

More on the topic of love: I still think I'm looking for something that feels so rare, yet worth waiting for. There are so many definitions to love, but I'd like to add another saying....

You know love when you find a piece of yourself in someone else.

That's all for today :) I hope everyone has been enjoying the summer months.

Lost in Translation

 I know it's been over a month since I last posted a blog.... So much has happened, both good and bad and I've had to step back and reevaluate some things.

After overcoming some hurdles, I now feel at a better place with everything. I realize that things really do happen for a reason even if in the middle of those rough times you can't see it. Sometimes enduring the bad times can get you to a better place in the end.

Now that my days are easier and more clear I'm finding that I have a different purpose in life and it's one I was oblivious to in the beginning.  I've certainly found happiness on a much deeper level and I think it'll continue to stay that way.

On another note, lately I've been feeling a little lost in translation. People see that I have a cochlear implant and know that I do well with it, but they assume I can hear everything perfectly when I can't. To me the implant is still a work in progress as I'm still learning new sounds and hearing better everyday. However, it doesn't mean I'll ever reach the level of a hearing person. It's hard in social gatherings when everyone is talking. I don't think people understand how much I'm missing and therefore I'm typically quieter because I have no idea what's going on. I can handle it for a little while but sometimes it becomes frustrating because people just assume I'm always going to be a quiet person when what I really want is to talk and get to know everyone. It's hard knowing where to jump in. This is one of the reasons I miss dancing..... It gave me something to speak freely about with my body and made me feel like I was part of something where people couldn't see the difference. It gave me the chance to be as loud or as quiet as I wanted to be and I wasn't afraid to show it. I wish my body wasn't so old on the inside and that I was able to carry on dancing forever. Can't always have everything you wish for... Just saying....