Attraversiamo

I can't believe it's been a year since my last post. It's been a long year, yet short in retrospective. Adelynn has grown and flourished before my eyes and I love how spunky and feisty she can be. I love her independent nature. I can't wait to watch all the changes she's going to make through this upcoming year as she turns 2 and starts talking away. I can't wait to hear her say I love you for the first time and I hope that's the same I love you I will hear on the day that I die. I love how much she's changed my life for the better and she's given me a reason to breathe, laugh, and love.

I'm so thankful to finally be working at my dream job. It's been almost 7 months since I've started and it's still one of the hardest thing I've ever done. To this day I've witnessed 123 births in my lifetime…whether thats simply observing, helping to deliver, delivering, or being the baby nurse. I would think I'd have it down to science by now but each delivery is it's own story and the hardest part is being in the unknown. I love being able to get to know my patients now and see all the blood, sweat and tears these women have gone through to carry a child and reach the day where they finally meet them. I love being the one who gets to witness the moment their life changes forever and I never thought I'd be that blessed. I love caring for a patient who has seen this world for all it is and caring for a patient who has yet to see it. Attraversiamo (Let's cross over)…the world is better with you in it.

I have to admit there are days that I feel like running…. wondering if I've taken it too far in challenging myself. Wondering if I can handle the stress, wondering if I'm simply going to break. My whole life has been wrapped around trying to prove to others that I can do what I set my mind to, that I don't need to be told I can't. Now it's not so much proving to others what I can do, it's proving it to myself. That's what really matters. At what point will I stop and breathe? At what point will it be enough? 

I still struggle internally with the happiness that I'm looking for. I have happiness on different levels and Adelynn fills my heart with joy. The happiness that I'm looking for is a sense of belonging. A place where I feel grounded to this Earth. I guess I don't know if I'll ever find it or if I have to learn to deal with the cards I've been given and accept that things may never really change. A sense of belonging for me ties to friendships because to me that's one of the most important things. Different people come into your life for a reason…. to love you, to hurt you, to leave you, to teach you….and it all plays a part in who you are. Part of knowing what they come into your life for is getting to know them personally and that's the step I frequently miss. 

The hardest part about my day is just missing out on conversations, being lost, nodding my head and laughing with everyone else to blend in even though I have no idea what was remotely said. To me it doesn't matter how much I've accomplished, I try to make it seem like things are easy so that I'm not treated differently, but then people don't understand half the battle…. that it literally kills me on the inside to even do half the things that they can. I always wish that it could be easier. I'm always searching for a way. I wish that I could truly get to know people without making it seem like it's extra work on their part. I always want to know what people have to say…no matter how small or stupid it may be. At least I would feel like I existed in that moment of time. At least it would give me a chance to  show that what people have to say matters and if I could join in and give a response it wouldn't leave me feeling empty handed. I want to know people for who they are so badly and not come across like I'm shy and that I don't care. There are so many wonderful people that I'm surrounded by every day and to be able to learn from them and hear their stories would be amazing. It would make me feel whole. It would make me feel grounded. 

On the bright side, I've met a few people who are starting to turn things around for me. One unlikely friend introduced me back into church again and it has been a great experience so far. I've got to learn to let god in my life and let him be in control than to be the one who tries to control his plan for me. Maybe if I just let go, things will fall into place as it should be. 

I just want to say thanks to my best friends and my parents who have remained loyal to me…because of you I know you would never let me fall. There's always a place to call home no matter where I go or what I do.You all are part of my past, present and future….. however I'm done trying to go back and live in the past, expecting things to be the same. I'm starting fresh, letting go of what I'm holding onto and living for what there is today.