Waiting on the World to Change

It's been a little while since I've written.... 3rd semester of nursing school has been a bit rough. Sleep is the number one thing I'm lacking and my immune system is not exactly in tune.

My brand new implant stopped working after 4 days of being turned on....Ridiculous..... it's the kind of thing that would only happen to a Murphy.  I waited another 4 days to get a loan implant processor while my doctor works on programming the extra one that I have. It's been a set back for me. I feel like the new programs that I've been given are not the best as far as sound quality compared to how it sounded a week before.Everything sounds like it's from a distance, underwater, a broken record, and more computerized.....that is what I was originally expecting. I want my old programs back...twitchy and all.

I feel like I've been a little more down lately now that I'm able to hear again. It's not that I don't want to hear, but I'm reminded of how much I'm missing. I'm back to being stuck being two worlds and sometimes I just want to be out of it, even just for an hour.  I think maybe I was expecting a whole new world with this implant.... maybe I'd have the chance to start new and talk with people again in a new way. Be able to communicate with people the way I've always wished that I could. The things I've struggled with my whole life... I don't think will ever change and that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting to see what this implant will make easier for me in my life. I'm waiting for my world to change. Right now, I think I'm still benefiting from my implant as much from it as I did with my hearing aid right before surgery. I still can't understand the noise I'm hearing, still can't talk on the phone, still can't drive through a drive thru (which has never been deaf friendly in the first place). I know it will take time to really get things settled and learn the things I'm hearing all the time. It's hard because it's distracting and annoying to listen to when I have no clue what it is. I tend to  make up what I think I'm hearing so I can move on with my day.

I had a conversation with someone I admire today and now I'm inspired to write a book. I've been wanting to write a book for as long as I can remember but my grammar isn't exactly great so I never found the will to  follow through with it.  I started one a few years ago and lost all my work when my computer crashed. It wasn't long, but I didn't have much to say at that point so I decided to wait till I had more to share. Maybe after nursing school when my life is more "normal" I will find the time to write. I've already generated an idea to base it off of but it's a matter of putting pen to paper.....or more like fingers to a keyboard......Technology this days..... don't get me started.

Till next time....

Adjusting

Last weekend I went out and bought Luna a bed and a few toys. I can't wait for her arrival...it feels like forever away, but it's not. 3 weeks....3 long weeks.

This week has been interesting trying to adjust to the cochlear implant. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin half the time people talk to me. It's so loud and I hear everything, even if I'm not sure what it is. I've noticed that my implant doesn't like to give me the "I" sounds...instead it sounds like "E's"...for example...

Principle sounds like Preenseeble.
Sterile sounds like Steeeerile
Remember sounds like Wee-member
Pillow sounds like Peeelow
Christina sounds like Creestina

Right now those kinds of words are annoying for me to listen to but I'm hoping that if I listen to it more and more it'll eventually sounds like it should. I've considered myself lucky to understand this much already and surprisingly I had my first phone call a few days ago. I still need a lot of work but it was nice to be able to speak for myself. 

After I turned my implant on I realized that I hate listening to myself talk. It's sounds so different still and I don't even comprehend that it's me speaking half the time. However, what's really weird is that I don't mind hearing myself sing. Maybe blending tones is easier on my ears than having to take electrical impulses for every word I hear. I still experience twitching on a daily basis, but I'm learning that the lower I have the volume, the less I twitch.

I'm tempted to take piano lessons. I love that I can hear the different keys on different instruments. I think it would be fun to learn to play and get back into music.

Well I've managed to successfully sit on a couch for an entire weekend. Guess I should get up, stretch, then sit back down and to prepare for a busy week of patient preps for clinical, papers, and study for the upcoming exam. This is why I need a dog....I need something to force me to move around more and get exercise for once.

Twitchy New Life

My dad told me "Here's to a new life".... I said "Here's to a twitchy new life"

Let me explain.... This morning for my implant mapping, I sat in a room with my parents and fiance each holding their own camera or phone trying to record my reaction (not that there was one unfortunately). The doctor spent an hour programming 3 programs for me. I can't really explain how it all works, but I know I have 3 programs. They all work a little differently. He can set 100 different programs, but the implant can only have 3. He was trying to set the first program and the first sounds I heard were chimes...instead of voices I heard chimes and all I thought was "My brain has to interpret chimes??? huh??? How is that possible??" Well I realized that everything seems to chime like wind chimes until I figure out that I'm hearing.  The noise I know I'm hearing becomes the noise it should be and the chimes go away. I still hear chimes and until I figure out what I'm hearing, it's going to be a part of my every day life.

The first program was set to figure out how loud to set the volume and make it comfortable for me. The second one was more standard, but I noticed my eye was twitching. I kept thinking that maybe I was just really tired or something. The doctor went on to set the 3rd program and 2 seconds later the whole left side of my face started twitching like I had a stroke or something. It would twitch at every word he said because the electrical impulses were much stronger. The look I gave my doctor was "hmmm no... this is not going to happen". I don't think I need to be scaring my patients on a daily basis. The doctor switched it back to a better program...however my eye still twitches occasionally when the impulses are sent. My cheek and lip also twitches especially if it's louder than I'm used to. I manually turned the volume down to level 1 and used the loudest program so I can benefit from hearing more. It seems like the twitching decreased, but if my classmates laugh or if everyone starts clapping, the left side of my face is twitching in response.

Unfortunately...it may never go away....so here's to a twitchy new life. 

I'm amazed at how much I hear now... it's far from sounding "normal", but today I managed to pick up on raindrops, the vending machine sucking my dollar, sounds of cars passing by, window wipers, keys jingling, and the clicking of keyboards. I also heard voices....my dad's laugh sounds exactly the same as I've always heard it, my mom's voice sounds familiar when she calls my name....but my voice sounds like a complete strangers. I feel like every time I start talking I want to jump. I'm startled by how different it is. Most of the voices I heard today sounded relatively normal and not robotic as most people would say. It takes time to get used to it, but if I focus I can understand. My fiance tried talking to me through a wooden door and I was able to understand him. At the 11th hour I was sitting 2nd to last row in an auditorium for a convocation without an interpreter and I could hear words like passion, success, believe, nurse, goal....Little words like that came easy to me. I felt like it wasn't a huge struggle. 

I came home from class today and tried to listen to my stethoscope for the first time and it sounded the same as with a hearing aid but it was so much clearer and louder than it's ever been for me. So now my confidence should increase when I do patient assessments. 

My favorite part of today is right this minute..... I'm listening to music as I type this blog.... OMG It sounds soooo AMAZING!!! I can hear all the instruments and the voices are lyrical. I love hearing the drums, the piano, the guitar and everything in between. I don't think I've ever appreciated music this much.

This has been a crazy day, but one I'll never forget. I'm anxious to see how much better it will continue to get and hopefully I will be back to talking on the phone before I know it.

I'm loving this! It was worth the 6 month wait. :) Ok back to reality.... a little thing called homework. Till next time...