The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Well I guess I can officially say the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree… 

I don't know why during my pregnancy one of my biggest worry was that Adelynn would have a hearing loss like me. It weighed on my mind forever. When she was born she passed her newborn screen with flying colors and I was relieved. I was relieved that she wouldn't have to struggle and to work extra hard at everything in life to get by. I knew in my mind that I wouldn't mind a deaf child because my parents paved the way for me and set the bar high. I would know exactly what I would do if that were the case…. 

Now I have a hard of hearing child… I would have never known in the beginning but it's become more  and more obvious now that she's getting older. She has some language which is great… but not near where she should be. Adelynn got her 4th hearing test today… it was finally confirmed that she does have a significant high frequency hearing loss. The last test was the first time she really cooperated and I honestly went into the appointment thinking she would be fine…that she's only being stubborn. I walked out in shock that it was really the opposite. I felt like I failed her for some reason….that I did something wrong…that I didn't see it before…that I should have done better. It tore me apart because I don't want her to struggle. I want her to know her place and I'm still trying to find mine. 

After the test this morning confirmed it, I wasn't sad anymore. I finally came to terms that things are going to be ok… because I turned out ok…thanks to my parents I know my next steps. I want Adelynn to be able to communicate orally, but also to know sign language because we live in an area where more of it is around and of course so she can feel like she belongs in both worlds. 

I have my little girl who's going to ride this crazy life with me…. as my Dad said to me… maybe she was given to me for a reason….because I already understand. She's not alone in this journey of hers.

Adelynn is going to get her ear molds made tomorrow for her first set of hearing aids. Honestly I can't wait to see what a world of a difference it makes for her… to hear her learn to speak clearly and to be able to express herself more …to have less frustrations and tantrums… and to hear what she hasn't heard before. I can't wait to watch her grow and flourish even more than she already has. 

I got your back Addie…. You are going to do great!

How did I get so lucky?

If you haven't already known, I decided to make a huge change to move back to New York in the middle of November. I've spent so long trying to figure out what the right decision is for Adelynn mainly and honestly I don't think I'll ever know. I hated being at a point where it was up to me to decide how her life was going to go….. was she going to grow up to be a Texas girl….was she going to be a New Yorker? Who will she grow up with…. who will be her friend? How will I know which place is better for her….would she have had a better life if she had gone down a different road? Will she hate me for making the wrong decision?


I never realized how much weighs on you as a mother….it's like all the sudden all your priorities change, but in a good way. I've been so blessed to have done all the things in life that I've wanted to do, I finished high school, went to Kilgore, became a DCC, finished college with 2 bachelor degrees and one in Nursing…. I've held 4 nursing jobs and was able to experience the job of my dreams. How did I get so lucky? All those amazing patients and coworkers that have changed my life…even if it was only in a small way…Just how did I get so lucky?

I left my dream job because living was more important than dying to do what I love. It was a lot more stressful on me than I ever anticipated but oh the memories of all those amazing moments are sure ones I'll never forget. It's very hard to be deaf nurse and hear everything you need to… especially when 2 lives are in your hands at once. I know that if I had an interpreter on the job like my first nursing job things would have been a lot easier. I remember spending the first few months wondering how I was ever going to survive being a labor and delivery nurse and I remember thinking I would do anything to have the chance. I met a Dr on the first day of being on the floor and he set me aside to discuss how this was going to work…. it wasn't that he didn't believe in me…but he was the only Doctor that I've ever worked with who legitimately cared about my success as a nurse and still to this day I always say that's what got me through.

I do miss labor and delivery but I think the stress of it all would have killed me in the end. I was able to have a last minute opportunity to be interviewed at a place when I came up for a visit in New York. My new job surely isn't as stressful and I have met so many amazing people, but it's different than working in the hospital. As of right now I'm enjoying the change in pace…but I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that God has given me the opportunity to be a mother. One that I can work full time and support the both of us…one that would allow me to take her and pick her up from daycare and spend every weekend and holiday with her. One that would allow me to make dinner for her,  help her with her homework, put her to bed, go to her school events and watch her play sports. I know that I am giving Adelynn a better life because I get to be there. I don't really have anymore set goals for my future because I've pretty much accomplished everything I set my mind to do….. but now I get to focus on being a Mom. Not only am I going to spend this year loving Adelynn up even more than before….. I gotta work on loving me as well.

I wouldn't be where I am today without my family in Texas and my family in New York. I'm so thankful for my roommate for taking me back into her house and allowing me to give Addie a life that she needs. Even though we've got 5 dogs living in the house and it's always a zoo…. it's totally worth it.

As for my New York family…. I have never felt more at home. I get to be around my 3 sisters, 4 nieces and have an extra set of parents to keep me on my feet. Just how did I get so lucky?

Attraversiamo

I can't believe it's been a year since my last post. It's been a long year, yet short in retrospective. Adelynn has grown and flourished before my eyes and I love how spunky and feisty she can be. I love her independent nature. I can't wait to watch all the changes she's going to make through this upcoming year as she turns 2 and starts talking away. I can't wait to hear her say I love you for the first time and I hope that's the same I love you I will hear on the day that I die. I love how much she's changed my life for the better and she's given me a reason to breathe, laugh, and love.

I'm so thankful to finally be working at my dream job. It's been almost 7 months since I've started and it's still one of the hardest thing I've ever done. To this day I've witnessed 123 births in my lifetime…whether thats simply observing, helping to deliver, delivering, or being the baby nurse. I would think I'd have it down to science by now but each delivery is it's own story and the hardest part is being in the unknown. I love being able to get to know my patients now and see all the blood, sweat and tears these women have gone through to carry a child and reach the day where they finally meet them. I love being the one who gets to witness the moment their life changes forever and I never thought I'd be that blessed. I love caring for a patient who has seen this world for all it is and caring for a patient who has yet to see it. Attraversiamo (Let's cross over)…the world is better with you in it.

I have to admit there are days that I feel like running…. wondering if I've taken it too far in challenging myself. Wondering if I can handle the stress, wondering if I'm simply going to break. My whole life has been wrapped around trying to prove to others that I can do what I set my mind to, that I don't need to be told I can't. Now it's not so much proving to others what I can do, it's proving it to myself. That's what really matters. At what point will I stop and breathe? At what point will it be enough? 

I still struggle internally with the happiness that I'm looking for. I have happiness on different levels and Adelynn fills my heart with joy. The happiness that I'm looking for is a sense of belonging. A place where I feel grounded to this Earth. I guess I don't know if I'll ever find it or if I have to learn to deal with the cards I've been given and accept that things may never really change. A sense of belonging for me ties to friendships because to me that's one of the most important things. Different people come into your life for a reason…. to love you, to hurt you, to leave you, to teach you….and it all plays a part in who you are. Part of knowing what they come into your life for is getting to know them personally and that's the step I frequently miss. 

The hardest part about my day is just missing out on conversations, being lost, nodding my head and laughing with everyone else to blend in even though I have no idea what was remotely said. To me it doesn't matter how much I've accomplished, I try to make it seem like things are easy so that I'm not treated differently, but then people don't understand half the battle…. that it literally kills me on the inside to even do half the things that they can. I always wish that it could be easier. I'm always searching for a way. I wish that I could truly get to know people without making it seem like it's extra work on their part. I always want to know what people have to say…no matter how small or stupid it may be. At least I would feel like I existed in that moment of time. At least it would give me a chance to  show that what people have to say matters and if I could join in and give a response it wouldn't leave me feeling empty handed. I want to know people for who they are so badly and not come across like I'm shy and that I don't care. There are so many wonderful people that I'm surrounded by every day and to be able to learn from them and hear their stories would be amazing. It would make me feel whole. It would make me feel grounded. 

On the bright side, I've met a few people who are starting to turn things around for me. One unlikely friend introduced me back into church again and it has been a great experience so far. I've got to learn to let god in my life and let him be in control than to be the one who tries to control his plan for me. Maybe if I just let go, things will fall into place as it should be. 

I just want to say thanks to my best friends and my parents who have remained loyal to me…because of you I know you would never let me fall. There's always a place to call home no matter where I go or what I do.You all are part of my past, present and future….. however I'm done trying to go back and live in the past, expecting things to be the same. I'm starting fresh, letting go of what I'm holding onto and living for what there is today. 

The Part of Me I Never Knew

Do you remember when you went to the fair and rode the tilt-a-whirl with the teacups? Do you remember the blurriness of everything around you, the colors, the faces, the buildings, the sky, and all the things that were meshed together? If you looked at the person riding with you, they never looked more still? Even their laughter seemed to be in slow motion, but if you turned your head away from them, you were lost in the chaos and it was a battle to bring yourself back. You were able to do it.  You realized that person is your center, your sanity, and if you just kept looking at them everything would be ok until it was over.

I lived in the chaos my whole life until the day my daughter was born. I rode that ride spinning without control, constantly looking for a face, simplicity, anything that made things easier. Now she sits on this ride with me and she is so full of life. The sound of her laughter, there’s nothing more beautiful, is what gets me through the day. A day full of trying to put the pieces together to understand the words that are coming out of my patient’s mouth, my co-workers, my friends, my family, and anyone who communicates with me. The different sounds that indicate someone in need, a phone call, a toy beeping, a car honking and the list never ends. I feel like a dog whose ears are always perched with my head tilted to the side straining to hear everything so that I don’t miss what’s important, even though I know I only understand a fraction of what a hearing person hears. There’s no relaxing or tuning things out, but when I hear my sweet little red-headed girl laugh and squeal, it makes my life worth living that much more.  She is my sanity, she reminds me to stop and enjoy what’s happening now rather than worry about what I’m missing. She will have an easier life than I did, she will understand the world around her, she will throw herself into conversations with ease, she will hear some of the most beautiful sounds and the most irritating ones too, she will learn to tune out what needs to be tuned out so she can get through the day, she will be able to set forth her dreams without doubting herself the way I do or have to plan every little thing in order to even make it a possibility. I wish nothing more than for her to enjoy life the way she already does, without the struggles and the constant sense of uncertainty. She will be the part of me I never knew. 

Through my Daughter's Eyes....

 Through my daughter's eyes...

• I want her world to be carefree.

•  I want her to take her time..... explore, feel, touch, and be mesmerized. 

•  I want her to know that time is her friend... there's no reason to rush life away. 

• I want her to know the meaning of giving before getting something in return. 

• I want her smiling, giggling, and laughing because it radiates to other people. 

•  I want her to see people for who they are inside. 

•  I want her to know she's beautiful and that each and everyone is. 

• I want to her to live not by the same mistakes as mine. 

• I want her to find love the way she always dreams it. 

• I want her to know she's loved by so many wonderful people. 

• I want her to find her happiness and never let it go. 

Stop to Smell the Flowers

It's been long due for a blog entry, but time is my enemy. Being a mom has been an amazing journey and one I will always be thankful for. I enjoy the simplest things now and I love watching my daughter grow. I can't believe I created someone this beautiful. That red hair and blue eyes never cease to baffle me every time I look at her. I didn't even think it was possible to have a baby with her coloring, but she's got the Irish in her for sure :)

She has definitely turned my life around and it's crazy how much I see things differently and want even more for myself to better my life and to give her every opportunity I can. 

Still to this day people ask me why I quit dancing or why I left DCC. So I'm here to speak my truth and make sense of it all.... 

I didn't discover dancing until I was 15 and because I fell in love with it I pretty much killed myself trying to build up those years of dance I missed growing up all at once. In the end it caused my body to age quicker on the inside so I was already falling apart before too long. 

When I tried out for Rangerettes I was ecstatic that I made the team but it didn't take long for me to enter survival mode. As much as I loved dancing it became a point of just surviving the things I really wanted to do. My experience wasn't what I had envisioned it to be. 

As a deaf person with no interpreter and living with 70 girls, it was hard for me to know what all was going on and stay with the trend of things. I spent my time making sure I could get through school, which was another challenge in itself. I had to play the music we did our dances to a million times so I could learn the beats and make sure I wouldn't be behind on the field or on the stage. It took up a lot of my time and it was exhausting.... things like having fun and getting to know the girls and building a long lasting friendship was something I felt that I could never do.. that I didn't have time for on top of doing what I could to "survive" Rangerettes. 

I injured my foot during practice for Revels as a freshman. We were Robots, but it was my own fault that I didn't speak up when I absolutely needed to. I was deathly afraid of getting in trouble .. but now I wish I hadn't been. I wore my Pointe shoes for too long during one of the practices and ended up developing a nerve tumor. I spent the next 2 years in excruciating pain. I didn't have time for surgery as simple as it was. I kept pushing though and dancing on what felt like a sharp rock that was attached to my foot. 

I ended up losing weight from the stress of everything and not having time for myself. I kept wanting to challenge myself and move forward with dancing because even though it all... dancing was what I loved the most and I could go on for hours. 

I tried out for DCC with an injured foot and ended up with a herniated disc by the middle of training camp. Again... I never knew when to slow down and take it easy. The pain I had been dealing with only got 10 times worse. It was an electrical kind of pain that ran up and down my leg on top of the sharp rock pain that I had to deal with every time I put my foot down. I didn't care... I wanted to go through DCC so badly that I simply didn't care. It took a toll on me. I again went into survival mode the whole year... I didn't want to get kicked off so all my time went towards playing music... running extra miles since my weight was hard to manage.. going to school and working all at the same time. I never got to experience what it was like to hang out with my own teammates and build the friendships I wanted to build. To this day I regret that. I needed to learn balance...I needed to know what was really more important to me in the long run. Now I missed my chance... with both teams. It all wasn't bad honestly... I still enjoyed my time but it could have been so much more enjoyable. 

I left dancing because I had finally reached my point of simply surviving and I wanted to start living.  I couldn't keep my weight down from what my body weight naturally likes to be.. I couldn't handle the pain, I couldn't keep killing myself and face more injuries. I left because living was more important than dying to do what I loved. 

However the very last game I got to cheer at was the most bittersweet time for me. I finally had the surgery for my foot and ended up going to playoffs. It was the only game that I had my weight under control, that I was happy as a clam, and I danced without any pain. Of course we lost the game and everyone was crying. I knew it was my last game... I knew I was going to retire from dancing but I couldn't stop from smiling that day. It was a perfect ending to those 3 years. 

Now that I have gone through college and I reached this phase of my life. I want so much more... I want to continue building friendships. I want people to see that I'm fun and that I'm not as quiet as I've made myself out to be. I want what I've been missing.  

That's why I'm still on this road to change... I'm not done trying to accomplish the one thing that I have wanted for so long...to have the ability to build everlasting friendships with people who are always positive and have so much to offer one another. I want people to get to know me. I want to enjoy my life with others. I want more laughter and love.  I am so thankful for the friends I currently have...the ones who understand my life and have had the patience to get to know me. I feel so lucky to have true friends who have stuck with me through everything. I hope I can reconnect with some people I haven't seen in awhile. At least it's a starting point towards a more positive and fun-filled life not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

Beautiful Creation

Adelynn Brielle Murphy

Due Date: January 25, 2014







I'm almost halfway done with my pregnancy and I've already discovered a new kind of love... a mother's love for her child.


I never thought I would be one to experience pregnancy this year, but I'm starting to realize how much my little girl is going to bring a whole new light to my life.

It's fun to see that a lot of my friends are pregnant as well and experiencing the same kind of joy. I can't wait to see all these new babies and potential playmates in the future.

Adelynn is one stubborn kid and I have no control over what she does right now. She makes every ultrasound and every heart beat check a long lasting event. We've been through so much already and I'm just glad she's still hanging on through it all. She's my beautiful creation and I can't wait to meet her. I can only hope that I'll be as good of a mom as my mom has been for me. Going through all of this only makes me appreciate my mom so much more.

Other than my pregnancy, not a lot else has been going on. I'm still working days and overnights at my job, which is still hard to get used to but it gets easier over time. I'm actually thinking about maybe going back to school in 5-6 years to become a neonatal nurse practitioner. I never thought I'd say that but considering that I want to eventually end up at a private office, being a nurse practitioner will make that goal a little easier to reach.

I went home to Texas last week for the first time in 8 months and I had a blast! There's never enough time to spend with friends and family. One of my favorite moments was going to the Ranger game with my dad, just me and him. I hardly ever get to spend alone time with him and when I do I cherish it and hold on to those memories. The more I'm around my parents these days, the more I can see that I have my mother's heart and my dad's soul. I feel extremely lucky to have my parents and I'm thrilled that my daughter will have amazing grandparents, including my stepmom in her life.

Well fall is around the corner and the trees are starting to change colors.... can't wait for the pumpkin spice, the fall boots, leggings, cool weather, pumpkin carving, and apple picking loads of fun! :)