The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Well I guess I can officially say the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree… 

I don't know why during my pregnancy one of my biggest worry was that Adelynn would have a hearing loss like me. It weighed on my mind forever. When she was born she passed her newborn screen with flying colors and I was relieved. I was relieved that she wouldn't have to struggle and to work extra hard at everything in life to get by. I knew in my mind that I wouldn't mind a deaf child because my parents paved the way for me and set the bar high. I would know exactly what I would do if that were the case…. 

Now I have a hard of hearing child… I would have never known in the beginning but it's become more  and more obvious now that she's getting older. She has some language which is great… but not near where she should be. Adelynn got her 4th hearing test today… it was finally confirmed that she does have a significant high frequency hearing loss. The last test was the first time she really cooperated and I honestly went into the appointment thinking she would be fine…that she's only being stubborn. I walked out in shock that it was really the opposite. I felt like I failed her for some reason….that I did something wrong…that I didn't see it before…that I should have done better. It tore me apart because I don't want her to struggle. I want her to know her place and I'm still trying to find mine. 

After the test this morning confirmed it, I wasn't sad anymore. I finally came to terms that things are going to be ok… because I turned out ok…thanks to my parents I know my next steps. I want Adelynn to be able to communicate orally, but also to know sign language because we live in an area where more of it is around and of course so she can feel like she belongs in both worlds. 

I have my little girl who's going to ride this crazy life with me…. as my Dad said to me… maybe she was given to me for a reason….because I already understand. She's not alone in this journey of hers.

Adelynn is going to get her ear molds made tomorrow for her first set of hearing aids. Honestly I can't wait to see what a world of a difference it makes for her… to hear her learn to speak clearly and to be able to express herself more …to have less frustrations and tantrums… and to hear what she hasn't heard before. I can't wait to watch her grow and flourish even more than she already has. 

I got your back Addie…. You are going to do great!

How did I get so lucky?

If you haven't already known, I decided to make a huge change to move back to New York in the middle of November. I've spent so long trying to figure out what the right decision is for Adelynn mainly and honestly I don't think I'll ever know. I hated being at a point where it was up to me to decide how her life was going to go….. was she going to grow up to be a Texas girl….was she going to be a New Yorker? Who will she grow up with…. who will be her friend? How will I know which place is better for her….would she have had a better life if she had gone down a different road? Will she hate me for making the wrong decision?


I never realized how much weighs on you as a mother….it's like all the sudden all your priorities change, but in a good way. I've been so blessed to have done all the things in life that I've wanted to do, I finished high school, went to Kilgore, became a DCC, finished college with 2 bachelor degrees and one in Nursing…. I've held 4 nursing jobs and was able to experience the job of my dreams. How did I get so lucky? All those amazing patients and coworkers that have changed my life…even if it was only in a small way…Just how did I get so lucky?

I left my dream job because living was more important than dying to do what I love. It was a lot more stressful on me than I ever anticipated but oh the memories of all those amazing moments are sure ones I'll never forget. It's very hard to be deaf nurse and hear everything you need to… especially when 2 lives are in your hands at once. I know that if I had an interpreter on the job like my first nursing job things would have been a lot easier. I remember spending the first few months wondering how I was ever going to survive being a labor and delivery nurse and I remember thinking I would do anything to have the chance. I met a Dr on the first day of being on the floor and he set me aside to discuss how this was going to work…. it wasn't that he didn't believe in me…but he was the only Doctor that I've ever worked with who legitimately cared about my success as a nurse and still to this day I always say that's what got me through.

I do miss labor and delivery but I think the stress of it all would have killed me in the end. I was able to have a last minute opportunity to be interviewed at a place when I came up for a visit in New York. My new job surely isn't as stressful and I have met so many amazing people, but it's different than working in the hospital. As of right now I'm enjoying the change in pace…but I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that God has given me the opportunity to be a mother. One that I can work full time and support the both of us…one that would allow me to take her and pick her up from daycare and spend every weekend and holiday with her. One that would allow me to make dinner for her,  help her with her homework, put her to bed, go to her school events and watch her play sports. I know that I am giving Adelynn a better life because I get to be there. I don't really have anymore set goals for my future because I've pretty much accomplished everything I set my mind to do….. but now I get to focus on being a Mom. Not only am I going to spend this year loving Adelynn up even more than before….. I gotta work on loving me as well.

I wouldn't be where I am today without my family in Texas and my family in New York. I'm so thankful for my roommate for taking me back into her house and allowing me to give Addie a life that she needs. Even though we've got 5 dogs living in the house and it's always a zoo…. it's totally worth it.

As for my New York family…. I have never felt more at home. I get to be around my 3 sisters, 4 nieces and have an extra set of parents to keep me on my feet. Just how did I get so lucky?

Attraversiamo

I can't believe it's been a year since my last post. It's been a long year, yet short in retrospective. Adelynn has grown and flourished before my eyes and I love how spunky and feisty she can be. I love her independent nature. I can't wait to watch all the changes she's going to make through this upcoming year as she turns 2 and starts talking away. I can't wait to hear her say I love you for the first time and I hope that's the same I love you I will hear on the day that I die. I love how much she's changed my life for the better and she's given me a reason to breathe, laugh, and love.

I'm so thankful to finally be working at my dream job. It's been almost 7 months since I've started and it's still one of the hardest thing I've ever done. To this day I've witnessed 123 births in my lifetime…whether thats simply observing, helping to deliver, delivering, or being the baby nurse. I would think I'd have it down to science by now but each delivery is it's own story and the hardest part is being in the unknown. I love being able to get to know my patients now and see all the blood, sweat and tears these women have gone through to carry a child and reach the day where they finally meet them. I love being the one who gets to witness the moment their life changes forever and I never thought I'd be that blessed. I love caring for a patient who has seen this world for all it is and caring for a patient who has yet to see it. Attraversiamo (Let's cross over)…the world is better with you in it.

I have to admit there are days that I feel like running…. wondering if I've taken it too far in challenging myself. Wondering if I can handle the stress, wondering if I'm simply going to break. My whole life has been wrapped around trying to prove to others that I can do what I set my mind to, that I don't need to be told I can't. Now it's not so much proving to others what I can do, it's proving it to myself. That's what really matters. At what point will I stop and breathe? At what point will it be enough? 

I still struggle internally with the happiness that I'm looking for. I have happiness on different levels and Adelynn fills my heart with joy. The happiness that I'm looking for is a sense of belonging. A place where I feel grounded to this Earth. I guess I don't know if I'll ever find it or if I have to learn to deal with the cards I've been given and accept that things may never really change. A sense of belonging for me ties to friendships because to me that's one of the most important things. Different people come into your life for a reason…. to love you, to hurt you, to leave you, to teach you….and it all plays a part in who you are. Part of knowing what they come into your life for is getting to know them personally and that's the step I frequently miss. 

The hardest part about my day is just missing out on conversations, being lost, nodding my head and laughing with everyone else to blend in even though I have no idea what was remotely said. To me it doesn't matter how much I've accomplished, I try to make it seem like things are easy so that I'm not treated differently, but then people don't understand half the battle…. that it literally kills me on the inside to even do half the things that they can. I always wish that it could be easier. I'm always searching for a way. I wish that I could truly get to know people without making it seem like it's extra work on their part. I always want to know what people have to say…no matter how small or stupid it may be. At least I would feel like I existed in that moment of time. At least it would give me a chance to  show that what people have to say matters and if I could join in and give a response it wouldn't leave me feeling empty handed. I want to know people for who they are so badly and not come across like I'm shy and that I don't care. There are so many wonderful people that I'm surrounded by every day and to be able to learn from them and hear their stories would be amazing. It would make me feel whole. It would make me feel grounded. 

On the bright side, I've met a few people who are starting to turn things around for me. One unlikely friend introduced me back into church again and it has been a great experience so far. I've got to learn to let god in my life and let him be in control than to be the one who tries to control his plan for me. Maybe if I just let go, things will fall into place as it should be. 

I just want to say thanks to my best friends and my parents who have remained loyal to me…because of you I know you would never let me fall. There's always a place to call home no matter where I go or what I do.You all are part of my past, present and future….. however I'm done trying to go back and live in the past, expecting things to be the same. I'm starting fresh, letting go of what I'm holding onto and living for what there is today. 

The Part of Me I Never Knew

Do you remember when you went to the fair and rode the tilt-a-whirl with the teacups? Do you remember the blurriness of everything around you, the colors, the faces, the buildings, the sky, and all the things that were meshed together? If you looked at the person riding with you, they never looked more still? Even their laughter seemed to be in slow motion, but if you turned your head away from them, you were lost in the chaos and it was a battle to bring yourself back. You were able to do it.  You realized that person is your center, your sanity, and if you just kept looking at them everything would be ok until it was over.

I lived in the chaos my whole life until the day my daughter was born. I rode that ride spinning without control, constantly looking for a face, simplicity, anything that made things easier. Now she sits on this ride with me and she is so full of life. The sound of her laughter, there’s nothing more beautiful, is what gets me through the day. A day full of trying to put the pieces together to understand the words that are coming out of my patient’s mouth, my co-workers, my friends, my family, and anyone who communicates with me. The different sounds that indicate someone in need, a phone call, a toy beeping, a car honking and the list never ends. I feel like a dog whose ears are always perched with my head tilted to the side straining to hear everything so that I don’t miss what’s important, even though I know I only understand a fraction of what a hearing person hears. There’s no relaxing or tuning things out, but when I hear my sweet little red-headed girl laugh and squeal, it makes my life worth living that much more.  She is my sanity, she reminds me to stop and enjoy what’s happening now rather than worry about what I’m missing. She will have an easier life than I did, she will understand the world around her, she will throw herself into conversations with ease, she will hear some of the most beautiful sounds and the most irritating ones too, she will learn to tune out what needs to be tuned out so she can get through the day, she will be able to set forth her dreams without doubting herself the way I do or have to plan every little thing in order to even make it a possibility. I wish nothing more than for her to enjoy life the way she already does, without the struggles and the constant sense of uncertainty. She will be the part of me I never knew. 

Through my Daughter's Eyes....

 Through my daughter's eyes...

• I want her world to be carefree.

•  I want her to take her time..... explore, feel, touch, and be mesmerized. 

•  I want her to know that time is her friend... there's no reason to rush life away. 

• I want her to know the meaning of giving before getting something in return. 

• I want her smiling, giggling, and laughing because it radiates to other people. 

•  I want her to see people for who they are inside. 

•  I want her to know she's beautiful and that each and everyone is. 

• I want to her to live not by the same mistakes as mine. 

• I want her to find love the way she always dreams it. 

• I want her to know she's loved by so many wonderful people. 

• I want her to find her happiness and never let it go. 

Stop to Smell the Flowers

It's been long due for a blog entry, but time is my enemy. Being a mom has been an amazing journey and one I will always be thankful for. I enjoy the simplest things now and I love watching my daughter grow. I can't believe I created someone this beautiful. That red hair and blue eyes never cease to baffle me every time I look at her. I didn't even think it was possible to have a baby with her coloring, but she's got the Irish in her for sure :)

She has definitely turned my life around and it's crazy how much I see things differently and want even more for myself to better my life and to give her every opportunity I can. 

Still to this day people ask me why I quit dancing or why I left DCC. So I'm here to speak my truth and make sense of it all.... 

I didn't discover dancing until I was 15 and because I fell in love with it I pretty much killed myself trying to build up those years of dance I missed growing up all at once. In the end it caused my body to age quicker on the inside so I was already falling apart before too long. 

When I tried out for Rangerettes I was ecstatic that I made the team but it didn't take long for me to enter survival mode. As much as I loved dancing it became a point of just surviving the things I really wanted to do. My experience wasn't what I had envisioned it to be. 

As a deaf person with no interpreter and living with 70 girls, it was hard for me to know what all was going on and stay with the trend of things. I spent my time making sure I could get through school, which was another challenge in itself. I had to play the music we did our dances to a million times so I could learn the beats and make sure I wouldn't be behind on the field or on the stage. It took up a lot of my time and it was exhausting.... things like having fun and getting to know the girls and building a long lasting friendship was something I felt that I could never do.. that I didn't have time for on top of doing what I could to "survive" Rangerettes. 

I injured my foot during practice for Revels as a freshman. We were Robots, but it was my own fault that I didn't speak up when I absolutely needed to. I was deathly afraid of getting in trouble .. but now I wish I hadn't been. I wore my Pointe shoes for too long during one of the practices and ended up developing a nerve tumor. I spent the next 2 years in excruciating pain. I didn't have time for surgery as simple as it was. I kept pushing though and dancing on what felt like a sharp rock that was attached to my foot. 

I ended up losing weight from the stress of everything and not having time for myself. I kept wanting to challenge myself and move forward with dancing because even though it all... dancing was what I loved the most and I could go on for hours. 

I tried out for DCC with an injured foot and ended up with a herniated disc by the middle of training camp. Again... I never knew when to slow down and take it easy. The pain I had been dealing with only got 10 times worse. It was an electrical kind of pain that ran up and down my leg on top of the sharp rock pain that I had to deal with every time I put my foot down. I didn't care... I wanted to go through DCC so badly that I simply didn't care. It took a toll on me. I again went into survival mode the whole year... I didn't want to get kicked off so all my time went towards playing music... running extra miles since my weight was hard to manage.. going to school and working all at the same time. I never got to experience what it was like to hang out with my own teammates and build the friendships I wanted to build. To this day I regret that. I needed to learn balance...I needed to know what was really more important to me in the long run. Now I missed my chance... with both teams. It all wasn't bad honestly... I still enjoyed my time but it could have been so much more enjoyable. 

I left dancing because I had finally reached my point of simply surviving and I wanted to start living.  I couldn't keep my weight down from what my body weight naturally likes to be.. I couldn't handle the pain, I couldn't keep killing myself and face more injuries. I left because living was more important than dying to do what I loved. 

However the very last game I got to cheer at was the most bittersweet time for me. I finally had the surgery for my foot and ended up going to playoffs. It was the only game that I had my weight under control, that I was happy as a clam, and I danced without any pain. Of course we lost the game and everyone was crying. I knew it was my last game... I knew I was going to retire from dancing but I couldn't stop from smiling that day. It was a perfect ending to those 3 years. 

Now that I have gone through college and I reached this phase of my life. I want so much more... I want to continue building friendships. I want people to see that I'm fun and that I'm not as quiet as I've made myself out to be. I want what I've been missing.  

That's why I'm still on this road to change... I'm not done trying to accomplish the one thing that I have wanted for so long...to have the ability to build everlasting friendships with people who are always positive and have so much to offer one another. I want people to get to know me. I want to enjoy my life with others. I want more laughter and love.  I am so thankful for the friends I currently have...the ones who understand my life and have had the patience to get to know me. I feel so lucky to have true friends who have stuck with me through everything. I hope I can reconnect with some people I haven't seen in awhile. At least it's a starting point towards a more positive and fun-filled life not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to be the best person I can be for her. 

Beautiful Creation

Adelynn Brielle Murphy

Due Date: January 25, 2014







I'm almost halfway done with my pregnancy and I've already discovered a new kind of love... a mother's love for her child.


I never thought I would be one to experience pregnancy this year, but I'm starting to realize how much my little girl is going to bring a whole new light to my life.

It's fun to see that a lot of my friends are pregnant as well and experiencing the same kind of joy. I can't wait to see all these new babies and potential playmates in the future.

Adelynn is one stubborn kid and I have no control over what she does right now. She makes every ultrasound and every heart beat check a long lasting event. We've been through so much already and I'm just glad she's still hanging on through it all. She's my beautiful creation and I can't wait to meet her. I can only hope that I'll be as good of a mom as my mom has been for me. Going through all of this only makes me appreciate my mom so much more.

Other than my pregnancy, not a lot else has been going on. I'm still working days and overnights at my job, which is still hard to get used to but it gets easier over time. I'm actually thinking about maybe going back to school in 5-6 years to become a neonatal nurse practitioner. I never thought I'd say that but considering that I want to eventually end up at a private office, being a nurse practitioner will make that goal a little easier to reach.

I went home to Texas last week for the first time in 8 months and I had a blast! There's never enough time to spend with friends and family. One of my favorite moments was going to the Ranger game with my dad, just me and him. I hardly ever get to spend alone time with him and when I do I cherish it and hold on to those memories. The more I'm around my parents these days, the more I can see that I have my mother's heart and my dad's soul. I feel extremely lucky to have my parents and I'm thrilled that my daughter will have amazing grandparents, including my stepmom in her life.

Well fall is around the corner and the trees are starting to change colors.... can't wait for the pumpkin spice, the fall boots, leggings, cool weather, pumpkin carving, and apple picking loads of fun! :)

Tranquility

Tranquility is what I need in my life right now and I feel like it's a thousand miles away. Just when things become less chaotic, it all comes flooding back. I always wonder if I'm ever going to get there.

Sometimes all I want is to find a quiet spot, near a body of water with absolutely no one around but myself and a good book. A place where I can hear myself think without all the mumbling and sounds that I surround myself with everyday. It's exhausting to keep up with the amount of focus I have to put out there in order to converse with people whether in or out of work. I want a day off without worry, stress, or an agenda. I want to feel the sunshine, close my eyes and breathe.

I might get the opportunity to do just that next month if I can work out a plan. It'll be something to look forward to and one I will embrace. I think for most people, it's always good to step out of their daily lives and breathe a different kind of fresh air, one that cleanses the soul.

More on the topic of love: I still think I'm looking for something that feels so rare, yet worth waiting for. There are so many definitions to love, but I'd like to add another saying....

You know love when you find a piece of yourself in someone else.

That's all for today :) I hope everyone has been enjoying the summer months.

Lost in Translation

 I know it's been over a month since I last posted a blog.... So much has happened, both good and bad and I've had to step back and reevaluate some things.

After overcoming some hurdles, I now feel at a better place with everything. I realize that things really do happen for a reason even if in the middle of those rough times you can't see it. Sometimes enduring the bad times can get you to a better place in the end.

Now that my days are easier and more clear I'm finding that I have a different purpose in life and it's one I was oblivious to in the beginning.  I've certainly found happiness on a much deeper level and I think it'll continue to stay that way.

On another note, lately I've been feeling a little lost in translation. People see that I have a cochlear implant and know that I do well with it, but they assume I can hear everything perfectly when I can't. To me the implant is still a work in progress as I'm still learning new sounds and hearing better everyday. However, it doesn't mean I'll ever reach the level of a hearing person. It's hard in social gatherings when everyone is talking. I don't think people understand how much I'm missing and therefore I'm typically quieter because I have no idea what's going on. I can handle it for a little while but sometimes it becomes frustrating because people just assume I'm always going to be a quiet person when what I really want is to talk and get to know everyone. It's hard knowing where to jump in. This is one of the reasons I miss dancing..... It gave me something to speak freely about with my body and made me feel like I was part of something where people couldn't see the difference. It gave me the chance to be as loud or as quiet as I wanted to be and I wasn't afraid to show it. I wish my body wasn't so old on the inside and that I was able to carry on dancing forever. Can't always have everything you wish for... Just saying....

The Color of Rain

One of the small things in life that I love is blue eyes. I feel like I can lose myself in them...especially the kind of blue that the color of rain wishes it could be.

I've always had this perpetual desire to be with someone who has blue eyes. These days I figured it's too much to ask for, it's too shallow, so I did compensate by getting myself a blue-eyed Weimaraner as a companion.

Let's just say she's lucky to have those icy blue eyes because with all the trouble she's caused lately, it's hard for me to get mad at her for it.

I've had a lot of time to myself lately to think about what I want. I know that I have to put aside a lot of high expectations and simply stay open-minded about people and what they have to offer. Looks have never truly mattered to me, but if they have certain attributes that I like, it's always an extra blessing. Most of the time I find that I love imperfection more than anything. I think it makes people more human, more real, and more unique.

On the topic of rain, I feel like I'm at a certain peace with myself in this point of my life. I can finally breathe. Work has been busy and yet fun. I love what I get to do on a daily basis. I love feeling like someone trusts me to care for them and it makes me think that I have a purpose in this world. It's one of those moments I've been waiting for forever.

I hope at this point with the job in place, I can slowly pick up the pieces of the life I've imagine for myself....shouldn't be anything too unrealistic.

"There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down."
Don Delillo

Love is Impervious to Logic

This has been quite a week. Started working, had Valentine's day and my birthday all in one week.
It's been a great week too and I've had more time to relax than I did going to school. I can certainly get used to working and being able to come home and have a life. I feel a little more complete.

One thing I learned last week was that I'm hearing even more than I thought I was. My hearing has increased and I hope it still continues to climb as I've only had my implant for 6 months. I'm starting to think this implant is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I never thought I'd hear this much in my life. It's truly amazing. I'm able to talk on the phone again and I'm hearing video recordings in class without needing interpreters or captions. The only thing is... I'm still twitching on a daily basis and my implant falls off my thick head of hair quite often. I realized that the twitching comes from a certain pitch that the nerves in my ears can't stand.  The sound of running water has that particular pitch that makes me feel like my ear is being electrocuted, it's the strangest thing. You can imagine how often I hear running water every day especially since I'm working in a hospital where we have to wash our hands frequently. It's my number one annoyance right now.

Anyways, while January was a rough month, February is definitely looking up. Valentine's day made me think about Love. I've had more time to myself lately and I'm still trying to figure out the logic of it all. I've come to the conclusion...

Love is impervious to logic.

Love is not something you can truly explain. There is no equation or materialistic thing you can go searching for, it just happens and it's powerful.

Everyone defines love in their own way, everyone's view of love is different. It's a matter of finding that kind of love where it's exactly how you pictured it. That is what I'm looking for.... I can't sit around and let it find me or spend all my time trying to find it. It's a balance between 2 people searching for the same thing that will bring them together. I like to think I'm one day closer to finding it than I was yesterday.

The future is unwritten, so write it well...

 It's been a long time since I've posted a blog, but then again life has been nothing but hectic. School was wrapping up, graduation occurred, holidays came and went, ended up making some major changes, took the boards and passed it, got a job and now I'm enjoying my last 3 days before I start work.

I've been living by a couple quotes since the new year started...

"You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have."


And...

"Good things come to those who wait."  

As some people may not know.. I left my fiance earlier this year... I'm not here to share the details. He is a great guy but I felt that it wasn't meant to be for the two of us.

My biggest goal in life is to have a family, to have 2-3 kids, and to make a difference. I feel like it's one of the most challenging goals I can set for myself. I want to make sure I'm with the right person before settling down with someone I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. 

It's hard not to feel pressured to settle especially since I'm getting closer to 30 every day. Good things come to those wait is something I firmly believe in. I want to find the kind of love where you can't even explain it, the kind of love where you just know, the kind of love where you stick together through thick and thin. This is the kind of love I rarely get to see, but when it's there, it's obvious to everyone around them. That is the kind of love I'm searching for and I don't care how long it takes me. 

Right now I'm taking the time to search a little deeper into myself, start a new life, make new friends and figure out what truly makes me happy.

It's hard to make drastic changes. I need time for myself. It's something I haven't had the chance to do since I've been so wrapped up in school for the last 7 years. I think it's important to take a break gain a clear perspective before charging forward once again. 

I look forward to this new phase as I'm still mending from the things I left, the people I had to hurt, and the comfort of knowing what my future was going to be like. 

The picture that says the future is unwritten, so write it well.... I hope that I make better choices, smile more, laugh more, love more, and take the time to really think about everything in general. There's no rush especially because one road can make your life totally different from another road you could have taken. I don't want to have regrets or just simply settle because it's expected of me. 

2013 has been a rough year so far, but that doesn't mean the rest has to be.... 

 

Clarity

Today was a fun day. I had a photographer come all the way from Texas to take engagement pictures of James and I at the park, barn, and coffee shop. I was wondering how this was going to go...my fiance and I don't really "love" on each other in public or take things "seriously". Needless to say...I think we did OK...or at least I hope so. We had little Luna in the pictures too since she's part of our family. She basically passed out the second half of the session so we were able to do pictures at the coffee shop without having to worry about her.

I was debating on taking off my implant for the pictures. It's huge and I'm not used to having it. I don't exactly like to show that I'm deaf but sometimes I can't get away from it. My photographer really touched me today when she said she was inspired and that I should just show it off. Sometimes that's all I need to make things ok.

As far as my implant goes...I just had a mapping done on Tuesday. Fun stuff. I had to go and do a mini hearing exam to let the audiologist know what needed to be adjusted. Apparently I was hearing way too much in the low frequency range, but hardly anything in the high frequency range so it was almost like wearing a hearing aid. The audiologist decided to shift the mapping so I can hear more in the high frequency range and less in the low frequency. I'm amazed how much better it sounds. My voice sounds back to normal and it even gives me the ability to focus on my speech some more. I'm starting to pick up more sounds again but I'm far from where I want to be. The audiologist explained to me that my twitching was coming from the high frequency area where I may not have developed nerves or that those specific nerves were damaged from the kind of progressive hearing loss that I have. He was able to cut out a couple of electrodes so now I'm not dealing with the twitching as much anymore.

This year has been full of ups and downs. I feel like no matter what path I could go down as a deaf person, things never become easy. I think my parents chose the right path for me and I wouldn't have it any other way. It's just hard because now that I've relied on an interpreter the whole year, I realized how much my whole world has changed. I've missed out on all the little details in life, such as the little things people say to each other or the outburst of laughter in the classroom from some random remark. I've spent 25 years only getting bits and pieces of conversation and it's so hard to explain to someone who can hear what that's like to miss out on so much. It's frustrating and sometimes I want to scream to relieve the frustration.

Part of all that makes my personality the way it is. I sometimes think I'm the most uninteresting person on the planet because I didn't grow up listening to conversations or have the ability to learn about what's going on in everyone else's lives. I come across shy for that reason since I spend so much of my day trying to piece together sentences. I know I'm not shy on the inside...I know that I could talk for hours because I have so much to say and yet I can't get it out. I only have a  few people that I am able to do that with.  I wish that there were more people who felt comfortable talking to a deaf person. I need patience to be able to develop a friendship instead of simply being that person everyone says Hi or Bye to in order to acknowledge I'm there. I want others to get to know the real me and see that I'm honestly no different on the inside. Whenever I start a new program, join a team, etc... I always tell myself that things will change. I try hard to fit in and talk with others, but it gets to a point where it's too hard to keep up with everyone else and then they all establish their own group of friends. I don't know what goes on in their lives anymore and then I'm back to square one. I hate small talk and I never seem to get away from it.

I guess I've been feeling kind of lonely especially since I'm not around other people like myself. It's sad that everyday I look forward to having an interpreter around because someone becomes my ears and all the sounds, laughter, and annoyances come back to me. I feel like I exist when everything is tied together and yet when my interpreter leaves, it all falls apart only until next time. My fiance is very easy for me to understand and have conversations with. It's part of why he is my fiance. I feel like myself when I'm with him and he has the patience to understand me as a person. Ever since the first day I met him, we have never had a dull moment. However he can't always interpret everything for  me either. If I had an interpreter glued to me, that would be a miracle. So I have to accept the things I can't change, which is hard to do. I want a positive life so I need to enjoy what I can and not dwell on the things I can't. I just wish that I didn't know the difference.

Alright enough of the emotional stuff....Time to finish my wine and study.... and yes in that order.

It's Fall....with a pinch of crazy.

 I can't believe it's already October! I'm halfway done with my Med/Surg clinical rotation. Only 11 more weeks of school (shocking!) The last few weeks I've been dealing with pneumonia and trying to get everything ready for Luna's arrival so I apologize for the late blog.

Luna has certainly grown before our eyes. Picking her up at the airport was fun. However, she came to us in a crate and she welcomed us smelling of poop. I had to take her out and drag her to the bathroom to wash her off before I could put  her down to play. She immediately took to me and for the first two days and refused to leave my side. By the 3rd day she seemed to open up to my fiance and everyone else around her. She certainly is a sweet dog and calm for the most part. We've worked on 5 tricks with her and she's picking it up pretty quickly but house training is going to take awhile. The weather is dropping quickly and she's learning she'd rather go inside the house than to deal with the cold
                                                               weather outside.

 I think she's the right pinch of crazy I needed in my life right now even though it's a change to have a puppy in the house. I love having a dog to take care of and watch all the crazy things they do. It just generates more laughter in the house.












Luna met  her best friend who lives down the street. He's a puppy too and they love fighting over toys and playing hide and seek. I look forward to watching them grow together :)

I have new implant updates, which I'll blog about on Friday so keep on the lookout :)

Waiting on the World to Change

It's been a little while since I've written.... 3rd semester of nursing school has been a bit rough. Sleep is the number one thing I'm lacking and my immune system is not exactly in tune.

My brand new implant stopped working after 4 days of being turned on....Ridiculous..... it's the kind of thing that would only happen to a Murphy.  I waited another 4 days to get a loan implant processor while my doctor works on programming the extra one that I have. It's been a set back for me. I feel like the new programs that I've been given are not the best as far as sound quality compared to how it sounded a week before.Everything sounds like it's from a distance, underwater, a broken record, and more computerized.....that is what I was originally expecting. I want my old programs back...twitchy and all.

I feel like I've been a little more down lately now that I'm able to hear again. It's not that I don't want to hear, but I'm reminded of how much I'm missing. I'm back to being stuck being two worlds and sometimes I just want to be out of it, even just for an hour.  I think maybe I was expecting a whole new world with this implant.... maybe I'd have the chance to start new and talk with people again in a new way. Be able to communicate with people the way I've always wished that I could. The things I've struggled with my whole life... I don't think will ever change and that's what I'm waiting for. I'm waiting to see what this implant will make easier for me in my life. I'm waiting for my world to change. Right now, I think I'm still benefiting from my implant as much from it as I did with my hearing aid right before surgery. I still can't understand the noise I'm hearing, still can't talk on the phone, still can't drive through a drive thru (which has never been deaf friendly in the first place). I know it will take time to really get things settled and learn the things I'm hearing all the time. It's hard because it's distracting and annoying to listen to when I have no clue what it is. I tend to  make up what I think I'm hearing so I can move on with my day.

I had a conversation with someone I admire today and now I'm inspired to write a book. I've been wanting to write a book for as long as I can remember but my grammar isn't exactly great so I never found the will to  follow through with it.  I started one a few years ago and lost all my work when my computer crashed. It wasn't long, but I didn't have much to say at that point so I decided to wait till I had more to share. Maybe after nursing school when my life is more "normal" I will find the time to write. I've already generated an idea to base it off of but it's a matter of putting pen to paper.....or more like fingers to a keyboard......Technology this days..... don't get me started.

Till next time....

Adjusting

Last weekend I went out and bought Luna a bed and a few toys. I can't wait for her arrival...it feels like forever away, but it's not. 3 weeks....3 long weeks.

This week has been interesting trying to adjust to the cochlear implant. I feel like I want to jump out of my skin half the time people talk to me. It's so loud and I hear everything, even if I'm not sure what it is. I've noticed that my implant doesn't like to give me the "I" sounds...instead it sounds like "E's"...for example...

Principle sounds like Preenseeble.
Sterile sounds like Steeeerile
Remember sounds like Wee-member
Pillow sounds like Peeelow
Christina sounds like Creestina

Right now those kinds of words are annoying for me to listen to but I'm hoping that if I listen to it more and more it'll eventually sounds like it should. I've considered myself lucky to understand this much already and surprisingly I had my first phone call a few days ago. I still need a lot of work but it was nice to be able to speak for myself. 

After I turned my implant on I realized that I hate listening to myself talk. It's sounds so different still and I don't even comprehend that it's me speaking half the time. However, what's really weird is that I don't mind hearing myself sing. Maybe blending tones is easier on my ears than having to take electrical impulses for every word I hear. I still experience twitching on a daily basis, but I'm learning that the lower I have the volume, the less I twitch.

I'm tempted to take piano lessons. I love that I can hear the different keys on different instruments. I think it would be fun to learn to play and get back into music.

Well I've managed to successfully sit on a couch for an entire weekend. Guess I should get up, stretch, then sit back down and to prepare for a busy week of patient preps for clinical, papers, and study for the upcoming exam. This is why I need a dog....I need something to force me to move around more and get exercise for once.