The Part of Me I Never Knew

Do you remember when you went to the fair and rode the tilt-a-whirl with the teacups? Do you remember the blurriness of everything around you, the colors, the faces, the buildings, the sky, and all the things that were meshed together? If you looked at the person riding with you, they never looked more still? Even their laughter seemed to be in slow motion, but if you turned your head away from them, you were lost in the chaos and it was a battle to bring yourself back. You were able to do it.  You realized that person is your center, your sanity, and if you just kept looking at them everything would be ok until it was over.

I lived in the chaos my whole life until the day my daughter was born. I rode that ride spinning without control, constantly looking for a face, simplicity, anything that made things easier. Now she sits on this ride with me and she is so full of life. The sound of her laughter, there’s nothing more beautiful, is what gets me through the day. A day full of trying to put the pieces together to understand the words that are coming out of my patient’s mouth, my co-workers, my friends, my family, and anyone who communicates with me. The different sounds that indicate someone in need, a phone call, a toy beeping, a car honking and the list never ends. I feel like a dog whose ears are always perched with my head tilted to the side straining to hear everything so that I don’t miss what’s important, even though I know I only understand a fraction of what a hearing person hears. There’s no relaxing or tuning things out, but when I hear my sweet little red-headed girl laugh and squeal, it makes my life worth living that much more.  She is my sanity, she reminds me to stop and enjoy what’s happening now rather than worry about what I’m missing. She will have an easier life than I did, she will understand the world around her, she will throw herself into conversations with ease, she will hear some of the most beautiful sounds and the most irritating ones too, she will learn to tune out what needs to be tuned out so she can get through the day, she will be able to set forth her dreams without doubting herself the way I do or have to plan every little thing in order to even make it a possibility. I wish nothing more than for her to enjoy life the way she already does, without the struggles and the constant sense of uncertainty. She will be the part of me I never knew. 

Through my Daughter's Eyes....

 Through my daughter's eyes...

• I want her world to be carefree.

•  I want her to take her time..... explore, feel, touch, and be mesmerized. 

•  I want her to know that time is her friend... there's no reason to rush life away. 

• I want her to know the meaning of giving before getting something in return. 

• I want her smiling, giggling, and laughing because it radiates to other people. 

•  I want her to see people for who they are inside. 

•  I want her to know she's beautiful and that each and everyone is. 

• I want to her to live not by the same mistakes as mine. 

• I want her to find love the way she always dreams it. 

• I want her to know she's loved by so many wonderful people. 

• I want her to find her happiness and never let it go. 

Stop to Smell the Flowers

It's been long due for a blog entry, but time is my enemy. Being a mom has been an amazing journey and one I will always be thankful for. I enjoy the simplest things now and I love watching my daughter grow. I can't believe I created someone this beautiful. That red hair and blue eyes never cease to baffle me every time I look at her. I didn't even think it was possible to have a baby with her coloring, but she's got the Irish in her for sure :)

She has definitely turned my life around and it's crazy how much I see things differently and want even more for myself to better my life and to give her every opportunity I can. 

Still to this day people ask me why I quit dancing or why I left DCC. So I'm here to speak my truth and make sense of it all.... 

I didn't discover dancing until I was 15 and because I fell in love with it I pretty much killed myself trying to build up those years of dance I missed growing up all at once. In the end it caused my body to age quicker on the inside so I was already falling apart before too long. 

When I tried out for Rangerettes I was ecstatic that I made the team but it didn't take long for me to enter survival mode. As much as I loved dancing it became a point of just surviving the things I really wanted to do. My experience wasn't what I had envisioned it to be. 

As a deaf person with no interpreter and living with 70 girls, it was hard for me to know what all was going on and stay with the trend of things. I spent my time making sure I could get through school, which was another challenge in itself. I had to play the music we did our dances to a million times so I could learn the beats and make sure I wouldn't be behind on the field or on the stage. It took up a lot of my time and it was exhausting.... things like having fun and getting to know the girls and building a long lasting friendship was something I felt that I could never do.. that I didn't have time for on top of doing what I could to "survive" Rangerettes. 

I injured my foot during practice for Revels as a freshman. We were Robots, but it was my own fault that I didn't speak up when I absolutely needed to. I was deathly afraid of getting in trouble .. but now I wish I hadn't been. I wore my Pointe shoes for too long during one of the practices and ended up developing a nerve tumor. I spent the next 2 years in excruciating pain. I didn't have time for surgery as simple as it was. I kept pushing though and dancing on what felt like a sharp rock that was attached to my foot. 

I ended up losing weight from the stress of everything and not having time for myself. I kept wanting to challenge myself and move forward with dancing because even though it all... dancing was what I loved the most and I could go on for hours. 

I tried out for DCC with an injured foot and ended up with a herniated disc by the middle of training camp. Again... I never knew when to slow down and take it easy. The pain I had been dealing with only got 10 times worse. It was an electrical kind of pain that ran up and down my leg on top of the sharp rock pain that I had to deal with every time I put my foot down. I didn't care... I wanted to go through DCC so badly that I simply didn't care. It took a toll on me. I again went into survival mode the whole year... I didn't want to get kicked off so all my time went towards playing music... running extra miles since my weight was hard to manage.. going to school and working all at the same time. I never got to experience what it was like to hang out with my own teammates and build the friendships I wanted to build. To this day I regret that. I needed to learn balance...I needed to know what was really more important to me in the long run. Now I missed my chance... with both teams. It all wasn't bad honestly... I still enjoyed my time but it could have been so much more enjoyable. 

I left dancing because I had finally reached my point of simply surviving and I wanted to start living.  I couldn't keep my weight down from what my body weight naturally likes to be.. I couldn't handle the pain, I couldn't keep killing myself and face more injuries. I left because living was more important than dying to do what I loved. 

However the very last game I got to cheer at was the most bittersweet time for me. I finally had the surgery for my foot and ended up going to playoffs. It was the only game that I had my weight under control, that I was happy as a clam, and I danced without any pain. Of course we lost the game and everyone was crying. I knew it was my last game... I knew I was going to retire from dancing but I couldn't stop from smiling that day. It was a perfect ending to those 3 years. 

Now that I have gone through college and I reached this phase of my life. I want so much more... I want to continue building friendships. I want people to see that I'm fun and that I'm not as quiet as I've made myself out to be. I want what I've been missing.  

That's why I'm still on this road to change... I'm not done trying to accomplish the one thing that I have wanted for so long...to have the ability to build everlasting friendships with people who are always positive and have so much to offer one another. I want people to get to know me. I want to enjoy my life with others. I want more laughter and love.  I am so thankful for the friends I currently have...the ones who understand my life and have had the patience to get to know me. I feel so lucky to have true friends who have stuck with me through everything. I hope I can reconnect with some people I haven't seen in awhile. At least it's a starting point towards a more positive and fun-filled life not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to be the best person I can be for her.